01.06.26
22:47

It's been so long but maybe it'd be nice to start doing this again
said I 3 months ago
and here i am again
almost exactly 3 months to the minute
kind of funny how that works

Andy and I moved into our new place yesterday!
We're still settling in, unpacking boxes
I'm sick
dundun is flopping over on his belly next to me
it's a moment in time

i've missed living in a larger house
it's been 5 years
of tinyhome living
how lovely it is to have a kitchen
and a bedroom
and a bathroom
and heat

the simple pleasures

i really like our neighborhood
so much variety of plant life
fruits and trees and flowers
eye candy that truly delights

i talked to matt today about the satellite company
i continuously learn that i don't have the whole picture in my head
that i need to understand deeper who clients are
how the core technology actually unlocks something for those clients
really really convince myself that this is going to work
and on the other hand
that it doesn't actually matter if the whole business works
so long as I gain experience, knowledge, and payment
so long as I spend time with co-workers that I enjoy
and find the work itself rewarding - not just the end goal
then maybe it's worth it.
I don't have to win the lottery this time around
I can keep going.

I also talked to Judy about contracting with longshot
I felt that conversation was very fruitful!
She's so excited to work with us!

I continue to be astounded by how well Andy and I get along
I had therapy today and was reflecting about my difficulty after new year's
and how Andy went from supportive to sad
and in that moment that I realized I was impacting her
I chose to lighten up and try to be more positive

Every day we've been helping each other
we surprise each other with our attention
with our kindness
with our communication
by expessing our needs and desires
We encourage and provide for one another
It's lovely.

It's also bed time.
Goodnight <3


10.5.25
22:30

well.. there goes 10 months.
it'd be nice to write in here more regularly

i had a nice day today
i woke up and shared dreams with andy
then i cleaned my room while we videochatted
she was driving to get her nails done
and i finally felt like i could just do what i was 
planning on doing while talking to her

in two hours flat my room was *clean*
including my kitchen
including my bedding
including sweeping the floor

i was impressed
and that energy carried throughout the rest of the day

when i went to go shower i found a possum had partied in it ther previous night
a sea sponge was torn to shreads and they left a large poop in the shower
i cleaned that out and took a shower

jaguar came over! and brought his friends Nico and Zora (noisebridge)
who were both kind and interesting and came with
enlivening conversation and smiles

we toured the farm, played music with dan, then went to the guntube
picked up vietnamese food, and ate it in the tinychurch
i even paid for everyone's food and it felt great!

i sprint-drove jaguar and zora to the ferry
nico dan mariana and i swordfaught with boffers that nico made
then everyone else left

i chilled out for a bit, write my bio and cv for keri-anne
so i could go to San Diego and play with electroadhesion!
ate some iced cream
slapped a board on the shower so possum couldn't poop in it again

watched the sunset
invited daniel and wes over for dinner
came home
ate pasta and pesto and fake sausage
watched a boosh
worked a little on chibi
went to wes's house to work more
saw zach on videochat
went home
brushed my teeth and locked up the farm
finally journaled!
and am going to bed now.

what a nice day!
i love you josh
see you tomorrow!


7.20.25
21:00

fuck its been a year

i'm in the airport in denpasar about to board a flight to brisbane
my life has been a whirlwind
but the last three weeks in les village have restored some faith in me
my own confidence in myself
to move forward, to keep going, to never give up
that i can go swimming in the night
and lose my phone in the middle of the ocean
and it will be okay
it will be alright

dinacon was incredible
i was so impressed by every signle person who came
that perspective didn't always come easily
sometimes it took weeks to warm up to someone
but everyone brought a spark with them
a perspective to share with the rest of us
that enriched the world around them

i still have imposter syndrome with respect to the work i did
mostly that none of my projects came to fruition
and that i never gave a presentation or a workshop
but now i know and understand what dinacon is like and can prepare for next time

i somehow want to capture dinacon here
and at the same time am feeling rushed
maybe later this week at Matt's house!

for now, just starting to journal again
starting to remember how to be with myself
now that i can't distract with my phone
that i need to be with myself 24/7
that i can't just reach out efforlessly
that my presence finds expression and purpose
through the efforts i endure

i really cherish the new connections i made
even when i can't reach them
i hold them in my heart 
it reminds  me i am not alone
it reminds me of the love i can hold
i do hold

so so grateful to meet, collaborate, dance, swim, and hammock with you andy
so so happy to become better friends paula
so so glad  to see you alex and hannah and lumen and alison and logan
so so joyful to see how bright someone can shine, william
so so sad to leave

i should probably head to my gate now
even though i want to keep writing

love you


9.2.24
20:30

I'll start writing here again
I do think it helps me to 
recount my day,
find the dark and the light
notice how it effects me

there's a cat lying upside down on my ottoman
smiling at the stars

i drove home from burning man tonight
today rather
it took 12 hours
I left at 6am to beat traffic
but still hit it

my mind ran through regrets on the way down
that i should have stayed and helped f
but if I had, i'd have gotten home so much later
and been so much worse off for work tomorrow.

i fantasized about us going to one of the hot springs up there
or stopping by the yuba and camping on our way home
instead i got home and fed the cats and
fiamma got stuck in another dust storm 

I notice more and more how much i think about f and our relationship
how much energy I put into trying to make this work
or worrying about what she might think
or what she might be doing

I realized that I want a new boundary in my relationships
one where I choose to focus on what's in front of me
and follow my heart and spirit rather than trying to fit into 
the person my partner wants me to be

there's been so many places where i've changed for the relationship
and i think that's not always a bad thing
but i feel a little lost about how to behave
i wonder if that's part of what's causing a bunch of other issues
because i feel lost....

i also wanted to stop expecting my partner to sacrifice for me
i realized that i was raised in a family that held expectations of sacrifice
i'm not sure it's fair to do that same to a partner or child
so i want to try and break that
it'll mean /not/ sacrificing for my partner the next time i feel she's in need
but giving/helping will stretch over my capacity.

i wonder what will happen
because my partner always tells me i don't have to do something,
just that i can if i want to.  
in that way i do think she's very supportive
i've just been interpreting those situations as:
i need your help, but you don't have to do this for me, but if you don't i will feel bad about it


anyway i'm tired now and will fall asleep
zzz

---


1.2.24
22:45

happy new year
said the fox to the cow
this year, i'm going to shed all my spots
said the cow
this year, i'm going to learn how to be less sneaky
said the fox
then, maybe we'll both be one step closer to beautiful.

---

I'm holding fiamma real close still
not giving her enough room to
show me how she'll treat me
what if i let go a little bit and
see how she wants to show up

she's off to concord to work
pb will be there
i don't feel good about it at all
she only sort of knows that
i will tell her when i get home.

i'm worried about getting sick
but there's no use in that
just be here with my body
feeling the strange sensation in my throat
listening to its creaks and aches

i do hope my parents fare well through this
and everyone else at the wedding

---

ari's wedding was a lot of fun
i danced the whole night
i really enjoyed dancing with amelia
who is terrence's significant other
maybe i enjoyed it a little too much
leading to a bit of a crush
but i don't want to go there
it's okay to feel things
so long as we don't act on them

---

i'd like to write more this year so i'm trying
not sure what will come out or to what end i'm writing
but the essense is that i want to make space
for the words to flow again.




8.19.23
1:20

w o w

there is no feeling like
discovering magic
for the first time

immediately my favorite child
the one that moves my bones
and laughs till my lungs are hollow
delighting in the wonder and mystery
he's there
throwing howls at the stars
speaking in screeches to the owls
rolling over and over
dragging his vibrating limbs
through stardust falling out of the ocean

i have not been so full of joy
in a long time

i want to go back again tomorrow
to tomales bay
and swim in the bioluminescent algae

this time with
a swim mask
and maybe a snorkel!

i love you dan, ambika, christine, kale, alex, and edi
i love you stars moon sky clouds bats
i love you earth trees mountains plants raccoons deer mice
i love you ocean water salt seaweed algae otters
i love you sound song screech swoop bzzzz laughter


8.2.23
11:10

in my dream
viirj and her sister were throwing a mystery event
in their home town
a specific spot they'd known and loved but i'd never been to

on the way there we ran into many of their friends
scantily clad
enjoying their time in the desert 

the place had a large intricate wooden pedestal
there was another woman already there
looking somber and serious

i thought the pedestal was the mystery, but soon the woman explained
as viirj caught up, she hugged the woman and said
oh no, if you're here then something's wrong
the woman explained that one of the people in the performance had passed
that he was in wonderful health and fell ill quickly
that woman was the conductor to an orchestra and ballet
which began shortly after she mentioned that.
tears rolled down her cheeks as she conducted
a most beautiful performance in the wee of night

---

yesterday was extremely hard

deciding between hans and myself
burning man and meditation retreat
$ and self care and nourishment

being rejected from interviews
not feeling desirable in any way
not in even the ways I am undoubtably good

so many storied in my head
imposter syndrome
worthlessness
too old

what now
what now.


8.1.23
00:57

b r e a t h e
m o n e y
t i m e
s t r e s s

what was one moment of peace
wove itself back to compression
struggle, scarcity, worry, fret
you lost your center again
the waves have tuffed and tumbled you
your seeking stability and strength of purpose
curled over head
and now crashes down upon you

lets go surfing
all day
every day

i keep trying to
figure it out
but there is nothing to figure out

let it go
let her go
let yourself go

the pleasure of knowing yourself
feels like it may be the same pleasure of
death and rebirth

i'm tired
i want to go to bed

i wanted to say that
going inward does seem like a good idea
the surface is certainly churning
and burning man probably has some of the most beautiful surfaces to shine
but i have lost my anchor to the depths of my soul
therin lies my direction
i must find it to find myself
and my way

else i will be walking in circles
like i have for decades.

so much is happening at once
i don't know how i'm going to come out of this
but if i can get anywhere near my heart
and hold on
i think i'm going to be okay

---

i climbed today with hans
i talked to fiamma on the phone
and nick kirkby
i miss so many people

i feel so much pressure
julie and i cooked dinner
and pulled tarot
all points to me already knowing
just needing to get back in touch

i am so grateful for the privilege ive been given
i must learn to accept it
instead of refusing it

perhaps this is what praying to god is for
i love myself
and i love everyone
what a strange place to be
this is.

---

ideas with hans:
everyone bring a construction material and lets make something on playa
solar powered freezer for pedal powered ice cream truck
exploring solar powered desert infrastructure.

7.28.23
8.15

well that was fucking uncomfortable
dream ended with
me driving a dying van
driving up a highway onramp
avoiding 20 children biking 
down the onramp
coming from across the highway
rolling the van
stopping to make sure everyone was okay
and trying to get one of the phone numbers
so i could get reimbursed.

why am i so worried about money
and being compensated
maybe rolling the van was my compensation
to be rid of that for me.

---

it was so good to see gillian and john and joe last night
im exhausted
but that really made my week
i wish i had stayed on to see them
more - after the show but
my little inner child was tired and
i chose to put him to bed

life felt so certain with everyone there
why did we ever drift apart
what a bad idea to go out to sea alone
and yet i know it's exactly what i needed

maybe i could have healed in cambridge but
damn i was in a dark place

lunch yesterday was really nice
eating one of the best bahnmi i ever had 
from saigon shack on macdougal
in washington square park
while listening to live jazz
and drinking fresh taro boba

i am not tired of this new york city life
but i am tired of how much it costs to live here
i spent $100 yesterday
so that's $3000 a month and i'm not paying rent
gotta pinch those pockets

gillian and john inspire me to go deeper into my music
i feel like the music scene on the east coast just
hits home in a way that i'm not sure that
the music scene on the west coast ever will

damn gillian is good
one note and i already have a crush
hey lookatthat i'm crushing again
kinda nice

---

i need to decide what i'm doing at the end of next month
and preferably soon.
hridaya got back to me about the retreat
and said they have a spot
what to do what to do

---

dorothy is back home
on pallative care
ill see her soon

life keeps moving
i'm glad i'm in new york again
curious when i'll get the itch for change

i also miss the farm
miss working on the farm
miss trying to make that work

we're all doing weird things
i miss making art for myself
i miss learning for myself
i miss yearning for the bleeding edge
of what has been done
of what can be done

we'll see
we'll see


7.27.23
11:23

more strange dreams!
alex and scorpions and piles of bugs
dad yelling at me for wanting to see john mayer
instead of getting whatever needed to be done done
i got to see marty again! i wonder what she's up to
so much connection to people i know and love

im a little late this morning in waking up
dB has a new gf
im happy for him
and hope he takes it slowly so that he doesn't get hurt
or mostly discouraged

i guess i'm going home today
i want to see dorothy
but im actually enjoying living in the city
for this little bit

if i were staying here i'd get a new sketchbook
and a guitar

7.26.23
23:24

it's been an overall nice day
walked through central park
got some work done
talked to fiamma and lori and mom and dad
saw a bunch of turtles
and magnificent trees
and new places in central park

my legs are sore 
and my arms too from climbing monday
i keep thinking of folks i knew and love
like jane and laura and more
i keep having weird dreams
but we'll get there

i need to stretch
i need to journal more
and draw more

i could see myself living here
i juggled with strangers in washington square park
and asked a couple how their canoe ride was
(they drove home with a canoe on their car)

my voice sounds weird these days
i don't quite understand it

dorothy is in the hospital as of yesterday
i spent three days recording her life story
still want to get a final statement from her
maybe play her songs that i love
i kind of want to offer her some medicine too
but i don't think she'll want that

it's weird being here
in the apartment
i don't know what else to say
i feel bubby and zeide watching over me
and i don't know what to do.

4.29.23
23:00

there are moments of clarity that come
when i am playing music
or taking a break from the stream of work 
that i feed myself

when i can tell that this relationship doesn't serve me
when i can tell that this farm doesn't serve
my interests or desires for
more time out in the forests
more time with family and loved ones
a relationship that isn't dependent on base sexual attration
and is instead based on pure love
the good gooey stuff in the center of it all

i'm looking forward to the future
and just hope that i can keep my head here

---

today i got a new contract
applied for a job
built part of the roof framing for the new space
talked to nick kirkby
signed some interstitial things
started to propagate some passion fruit vines
talked to krystal for a while about 
how to encourage makerfarm folks to actually participate
and took a lot of breaks
i even showered

i wonder whats happening tomorrow
i miss myself


4.1.23
23:20

i meant to send an email to martine at goodmachine before april
but i didn't
i'm still working on it
but maybe i'll still get a job?
i'm pretty down on myself for not getting this done

i did clean out the bore and install a new injector tho
found a steel injector seal in the bore
which is ridiculous.  it's supposed to be a copper seal
we'll see what happens i guess

i'm feeling pretty depressed
these days
not sure if i'll wake up from it
or not

i hope so.


3.31.23
22:36

another long one

hours of hanging with piglets and elise
potential piglet fosterers
gave the goats feeders to eat out of
built a floor in the shower
settled on a deal for providing the cuddle-shuttle
and got injector 1 out of my engine

i feel a lot less depressed today
i was so bummed about my future yesterday
i think it helps to have raisin sleeping with me
and get lemon-bars and food delivered by elise and serenity

community and food is nice.


3.29.23
23:54

wow.  that was a long day
sun and therapy
hail and marie
piglets and goats
awkward silence and glee

an intention to work
a list for a spree
distractions to break
a dose of iski

a party in noe
heads disconnected from toes
mike and sophie
zach and -his friend-
rebecca and ari
so many people i don't know

it was nice 
and a long day
and my ribs are okay
now it's time for bed




3.3.23
17:45

it's been so long since i've been in the groove
of writing every day in a journal or
here

today was 
e p i c

i'm pretty sick
by that i mean
i've been coughing for something like 2 months
and it's been getting worse
today was my first day on antibiotics
and my nose is soooo stuffy

i've been coughing all over the mountain
julie and i spent the morning shredding
going slow and steady
having fun at reasonable speeds
safe speeds

and ya know what - it's fun!
i don't need to be hauling ass 
or hucking carc-ass
to have fun

we just slithered our way through the trees
finding hidden pockets of our favorite
white substance 

although we're not getting dumped on
the snow here is still pretty good
and i'm grateful for the time i'm getting to spend
with my family

there was a moment when I stole julie's poles
and was planting them on every turn
like a snobby skier

another boarder saw me and said
'i thought you were riding with poles all day!'
'that would have been baaaallssy'

we rode up the lift together and 
through some light words about the mountain
found camraderie 

lunch had a nice conversation
and last night's pizza
i really enjoy every word that i share with julie
it's nice to feel so seen
and heard

hans and i videochatted about plans a couple weekends into the future
he's stoked to meet up with cia folk and help them clean our their storage
i'm not stoked about storage,
but stoked to see him
i really love hans

after lunch we ran into our folks
mom went in, she doesn't like to ski unless it's a bluebird day
dad came back up the mountain with us
we played around in the glades again
first follow the leader
and then find the poweder
and then find your flow
and then find my phone!

i realized i had dropped my phone at 3:55
julie immediately knew to look up 'find my phone'
and i managed to remember my password
all it brought up was a shitty map that didn't have our position on it
but 3:57 rolled around and we decided to try and find my phone!
we all b-lined for the lift, which was about a minute away
a snowstorm was rolling in
julie didn't even put her gloves on!
frigid fingers covered in flakes, we were the last ones on the lift to the top
I managed to decipher the map and figure out how to view where we were - on a separate map
and so we began to retrace our tracks - at least as much as we could
the snow was coming down thick and I stopped under the shelter of a tree to check progress
three progress checks later and we were pretty close
i asked my phone to play some sound, but we couldn't hear anything
shortly after, a whole gaggle of ski patrol folk came thru
they were sweeping the slopes making sure no one was still on the mountain
they didn't help us much, but the patrol in charge told us he had to stay behind us
he'd offer us his help for a few minutes and miaculously
that's all it took

my dad said 'you're right on top of it?'
innocently asking if i thought we had found the location on the map
I said, 'well, not exactly',
made one more turn, asked the phone to play it's sound and 
ding ding ding
it was right below the tail of my snowboard
buried under about 6" of powder.

the ski patrol said,
'I won't lie I had my doubts, but that was a needle in a haystack situation!'
my sister replied
'A needle in a haystack in a snowstorm!'

The patrol asked us to head out of the trees back to the slope for safety
i told him to have an awesome rest of his year.
I was so stoked, and carved all the way back to the base.

mom and julie are out getting pasta and pesto to cook for dinner
dad's doing some work
and i'm writing this down so i don't forget
what an epic day.


2.15.23
23:00

thank you for sunshine
thank you for rain
thank you for joy
thank you for pain
it's a beautiful dayayayayay
it's a beautiful day ay Ayayay

maybe there's something to this 
gratitude for what you've got

i dunno
i feel like i'm working really hard
and not getting anywhere that I'd like to be going
and it's been two years

so what do I do now
i guess...
just tune in to what i really want
and then do that

i might go snowboarding this weekend
that would feel amazing

i want to visit bubby

i'm going to be out of money really fast if i do these things
but i have to do what i can.

there's been a lot of talking
about relationship
and how to bring vulnerability
by taking off the mask

i guess my issue is that i don't want to stop loving fiamma
and i don't want to hurt her
and i want to see other people
all at the same time
but fiamma doesn't work that way so
???????

what a strange situation to be in
but she doesn't want to break up with me
im confused

anyhow maybe we can focus on ourselves tomorrow
and just do what we need to feel good
send bubs a post card
and stretch
maybe even walk in the morning
cook some breakfast???
do dishes
get all my stuff out of the barn
build a bike shed

so many things to do tomorrow but
where do we want to be?
nowhere close to here

oh well

no, lets look at that
where do we want to be?
in the mountains snowboarding
or in the oceans swimming
or in the desert walking
or in the forest exploring
i don't know what to make of this
but somehome want to make money too.


2.9.23
20:55

I'm too afraid to start
doing what the heart wants
because what if it doesn't come out
perfect as I need it to be
for my dearst bubbee

this woman
a mother who held me with the sweetest smile
and matter-of-fact kisses
a stern knowing that
everything is always okay
and there's nothing to worry about

she takes so much delight in my mischief
grandeur in my adventures
a love in the spark that is me

she is so supportive, so happy to know
that i am living my life
trying thing after thing
knowing that one day i'll figure it out

she always trusted me to be good
and find my way
and the only thing she ever wanted was
for me to find a nice jewish girl
to settle down with and
make her a great-grandmother.

i love this woman
her high-heels and
bright white smile
her accusing finger
and booming voice

her knowing
her glowing heart
so deeply connected to her hand

here, have this
be nourished my darling
my ziendel
my joshua

i can still smell her peach-fuzzy flesh
i can still feel those hands and cheeks
wonder at those eyes

how far this being has come
to bear me and my whole half-family
what secrets she knows
and has already told me.

i hope one day we'll have fourth of july back at the house
and we'll go see the nutcracker at the met
and next year, in jerusalem,
and we'll do taschlich at the dock in great neck
and we'll eat apples and honey at the dining room table
on the cold slate floor
waiting for her matzah ball soup with persian lemon
as louie and geneva keep the kitchen warm
and i pick out notes on the piano
under art that changes depending on how you look at it

maybe bootsie will be there
when we eat in the sukkah in the fall
sitting on those uncomfortable blue-strapped chairs
searching the house for chametz
burning it all
and finding the afikomen

what about those early mornings before our ski trips
when sometimes we'd stay upstairs
and i'd slide down the staircase on my tummy
what a different world it was
to live in that beautiful home
maybe we deserved that

a lacquer table like two pyramids head-standing eachother
bowls of peach poutperri 
menorah and mezuzah and great gilded books
remminding us of who we were
tables with usually stale snacks
and sometimes fruit

that woman loves to feed
loves to love
why do I always run from the ones that truly love me most?
i'm sorry I ever ran from you, bubee
I'm sorry I ever thought you were no good for me.
and I love you very much

the twinkles of fireflies in your eyes
on a summer's evening 

but... what do we do now
i know you would love for me to pray for you
not to fret or fear
but to trust hashem and pray for your health
so i'll do that
one word that i don't know at a time
trust that hashem knows the sounds i'm saying say
that i wish you life
that i wish you love
that i wish you sight and smell and touch
that i wish you sound and speech and laughter
that i wish you motion and direction and 
everything else that you could ever want
that i wish you can see your great grand-children
because i want you to stick around
so we can hang out and laugh at the world around us
or marvel at the delights of the everyday
spend time in the holiest of places
we could give our time away

i used to feel like i had to spend time with you
but now i just want to
pick flowers in a field
or go swimming
or at least plop in a hot tub

we can miss zeide together
and wonder about the stars
you can teach me yiddish
and what life was like without cars
and i can tell you about all the wonders
that you're not really missing
because the world as you know it
is already chef's kissing
you can teach me to cook
and clean and pray
and i can spend almost every hour of every day
learning what its like to be me
when i actively love and spend time with my bubbee

i don't know how i'm going to do this
be here and there all the time
it's much simpler to come live with you on the east coast
and i know there's no way for me to pay you back
and i know i'm just playing coy
as if i couldn't be that person
you always saw in me
kind and loving and fearlessly inquisitive
you knew i could pick up anything
and you didn't have an agenda for me
other than to know my past
to connect to my roots
which i so desperately abandoned

thank you for the direction, bubbee
i will walk that way for at least a little while
to see where it leads.


1.29.23
21:37

slept like shit
so anxious and angry at my self
so worried that I will be ousted from my commuinty
exiled to despair on my own
i'm so afraid of losing the love they bring to my heart
i must treat them with reverence and love

this is my work
or part of it

---

went on a nature walk again in point reyes
back to the old spot
found our candy caps
and a giant hedgehog mushroom
i climbed a whole cascade of pine trees
someting is killing them
it's sad
but happens, i guess

i met the russula
tasted its peppery sting
and spat it out for minutes

enjoyed the company of the forest
the majesty of the clouds
and the endlessness of the ocean

then we got dinner at the temescal creek community
and spoke spanish with the residents
and ate pani de dani
pan de dan

i love that man

---

interview with ollie went well
i think hell get to join the farm

more interest in trees!

---

it's time for bed.
thanks for the two showers
and the food
and the love 
and the nature today

thanks for sharing your gifts with others
for receiving others gifts

excited for tomorrow

1.29.23
0:19

wait... how did that many days pass?????

okay. now we're here

i feel like
i give my self
or try to give my self
so much love
but inevitably
in my self love 
i hurt others
and it's not so often that
i feel hurt

is something wrong here?
am I the problem?
am I taking advantage of others?
or not listening to them?

i'm not sure.
my heart says no
i am listening 
and i'm choosing me 
instead of them
and when that happens they get hurt 
but

maybe there is a middle way
where we choose us
instead of either of us

dance was amazing today
i can't believe the ways i danced
so sensual 
mostly

body on body
so much love
instead of exploration and play

well there was that too
what a day
what sacred moments we coalesced into one
i am devoted to this practice
i will be here again
and i feel fearful that i will not be invited
who am i
certainly off my game

the one thing I loved so much about this dance was
how deeply and often i was saying
"Josh, I love you!"
"Hi, I'm josh and I love myself"
i love you i love you

---

it was nice seeing sunny today
but i really hurt my neck

---

last night I had a dream that I learned 
really really learned
how to be with a wave


the waves taught me how to surf
ad it was amazing

but afterward i was looking for my family
or my people
and i found dan, but he weas talking to a woman
who I was attracted to, but I felt uninvited in the conversation
so I ran off alone into a famliiar latin-american landscape
cityscape really
along the shore
and a lone
and i regrouped and told myself
wow! it's so wonderful being by myself

lots happened after, but the feelings of
abandonment or unwelcome from close friends
and famile - that hits hard.
fear of isolation and being
booted from community

maybe its time i treat fiamma with more respect

---

i'm almost moved in because val and fiamma helped me so much
i finished a bunch of irrigation
found new bamboo flooring
well almost new bamboo flooring - there were termites in that guys's house
who happen to come from boston XD

i got rabbit pelts from that dude who was eating rabbits.  
I figure I have to honor them somehow

I sold FOUR mulberry trees and so many people want more!
there's clearly a market!
and I'm now a fruit tree salesman

I arranged to teach my first workshop on play!

spicy and bunny and raisin are getting along

lots is happening
now I just have to bring back yoga and meditation and ocoking
and we'll be good!

---

I love you Josh <3
Sleep well <3






1.24.23
23:22

Some days
it feels like
god's grace
grazes my soft face
a ray of light
shining from above

warm welcomes
smiling faces
familiar and new
old friends and budding connections
discovering how we relate
one moment at a time.

what a lovely time I had today
taking care of myself by doing laundry
and cleaning my spaces
sweeping the floor and
putting away clothing

learning the language of the world all over again
talking irrigaiton and kittens
forgetting how little time i am spending with bean
and how much time i am spending with raisin

welcoming old friends to this new space
finding out all we have in common
sharing the treasures that grow abundant here
passion fruit, avocado, orange, pomello
smiles, animals, softness, greenery, and the distinct taste of being outside
a being being outside

sharing our words and excitements over
israeli salad and tahini tofu
with rice and date pieces and passion fruit and kombucha
that we made work in this tiny kitchen of ours
just as the sun began to set

every day this reinforces what I know
that we can live in the garden of eden if we let ourselves do so
eden is not lost
those who find it just choose to leave
there is 'more to life' than just these leaves
but i'm good here
where it's good to be.

ro'e wants to be a locksmith
after teaching massage for years
and maybe a grant writer on the side
its just... where the money's at.

a means to an end
but a good honest living

i want to grow fruit trees
and val may have purchased my first tree.
I might need to advertise more but
I did make my first craigslist post offering to sell them.
I'm excited for that.

The cacao is growing
the peaches are next
and more mulberry of course

jamming and dinner was divine

it was so good to see kat and joel
and to meet kat's family
playing blues and early rock
and improvising on bass and guitar and drums
then getting into the nitty gritty of 
biology and plant morphology and ai research
over pita and hummus and boreka
what a joy it is to be alive here
speaking and listening and learning and expressing
i love all of this so much

i feel alive for the first time in a while
it's nice.

---





1.23.23
22:23

I'm tired but this is worth it.

It's funny how motivating this can be.
plalcing words here before myself
before you, really

I'm putting this here for me - for you
the metaphysics doesn't really matter but
what does matter is that I get something out of writing
I become a person who writes
a person who writes these words

I get to craft my stories
describe my days and emotions and feelings

i get to stack the days upon each other, 
so that one day they might become something new

---

what have these days weeks years been for me

i haven't really written anything during them
feeling so disconnected from my purpose
from my narrative
from my self


it's hard living 
in hard living conditions
and sure they could have been harder but
let's just talk about difficulty

i took so much for granted

insulation
hot showers
laundry
sinks
kitchens

moden comforts that truly are necessary
for art to thrive

i found myself cold and huddling over 
pre-made meals that 
couldn't nourish me if they tried

lacking motivation to take walks
or find clean clothing to wear
because i'd prioritize seeking
any of that comfort

I bootstrapped myself an entire home
looking for warmth and space
shelter, i think they call it

it took me two years
those years i'll never get back.
was it worth it
?

I'm looking down at my decisions
from a place and loving and caring
it's not worth losing a foothold
to see what it's like to not have shoes

this cliff is eroding
and we don't have much time to climb to safety

but maybe
this lesson
was worth all the trouble

---

i fear I lost all my abilities
and agility to climb out faster than others

my body has been taxed
and i have lost my intertia
also my patience with
those skills most valued

it's strange coming back to myself
a completely different person 
from two years ago

I miss him dearly
and yet I can't write anything like him
because my mind is so far away from his love
from his wonder
from his awe.

This are at stake now that weren't then.
I am SURVIVING
not thriving.

I am facing death in ways that may be hard to describe.
Failure in relationship could mean no support.
This support is necessary to stay alive here.
Failure in finances could make climbing out a lot harder.
Failure in self care could do the same.

Maybe I really should take a job.
Fuck
.

I can hear the anxiety in my voice.
the closed heart
and confusion 

my poor soul is trapped in its own cage
crying to be released.
HOW DO I LEAVE THIS PLACE?

what is happening here.
who have i become

i don't like it i don't like it i dont like it
a spiral staircase
encased in spines
weaves and wanders
eternal in time.

just fucking type it out.
you know you want to
let the words loose
i want this to be over
and the only way out is through
and the only way through is WHOOO
blue shoe good true to 
the tailors fanciest pants the cobblers right shoe.
a rhyme for not a reason
is the reason to stop ones words
a life without wonder
is one lived in a herd
so let you feet wander 
far from the pack
take a trip you won't regret
but then you may never come back.

im hating all my words
with a passion i can't describe
because i can't find the words to remember
the way it feels to dive
deep into my consious soul
swimming in my heart
the words they're stuck and crunchy
and i cannot tease them apart.

that's enough for one night
twenty minutes and two
yeah that's enough for tonight
my eyes may soon lose their blue.


1.20.23
22:28

It's all clear
in the crisp of winter's dark
no sun seeking seeds
or songbirds sounds
covering the canvas
that is me

i can see
the community growing
key people showing
an ecosystem flowing
flourishing from my 
midas touch

but let's sit and see
where we are growing this garden of eden
is certainly no place
we should be

so let's leave and find
the right place and time
to plant our seeds
amongst discarded lands and weeds
not hotly contested floodplains
in plain sight.

I have constructed myself a home
on the remains of a naval base parking lot
in one of the richest places in america
and all I see around me are
dilapidated barracks remodeled as 
affordable housing for the formerly homelss
and ruins behind chain link fence
and the cranes that carry the wealth 
to and from this city.

what garden of eden is this?
i'm not sure but
the chains in my heart
no longer looks shiny and chrome
in their flaking rust they yearn to be broken
and i yearn to be free again.

this is not the place for me.

yet everyone around me wishes it so.
and here i am.

is the grass really greener?
will my eyes actually heal?
might the ringing in my ears find silence?
my heart finally find home?

i am so very frustrated
that i still feel unsettled
in this cacophony

---




1.19.23
8:02

it's time to go to contact improv
and return some shoes to REI because they squeak

I want a BREAK.  I want to sit and mediatate and slow down.

I keep GOING and I think it's going to keep me from going.

so maybe tonight i'll take a break
youknow
after I do all those things

it's funny how things go



7.26.22
11:10

before i sleep
between my sheets
a short poem 
on love

love is the stuff
that fills the gaps
between you
and i

it's the balm 
that eases the pain
where my sharp points
scratch your soft surface

it's the breath
that soothes the discomfort
where your incomprehensible edges
try to spoon mine

i once thought love was
the way puzzle pieces
fit together

now i know
it's not about how 
we were made to be

rather, perhaps
it's about how
we make ourselves

5.26.22
10:11

this sensation isn't new
in this place

the itching sensation sears my palette
on the 10th story of an apartment building
in new york

'it has the same enzyme that tenderizes meat'
'it breaks down protiens'
describing actinidain, an enzyme found in kiwifruit

what the fuck is time?
my eyes are so tired they don't focus anymore
i can't tell if I need sleep or glasses
or both
but i don't want to look at the screen much more.

now my stomach is full
and i just want to rest.

here
again
an apartment in new york
here
again
in new york
why new york
why here
why again

put the words toegether in new ways to find
what is there

a word puzzle
or painting of sorts
performance in your mind
on my page

--

i thought I knew who i was
I thought i knew who i wanted to be
who i should have been
but who am i now
and how did I become that?

all of my heroes have left me
and my dreams have died, 
curled to a crisp 
in the neglected corner of my heart

lost to time
and drought

i feel i've learned how to be selfish
not entirely
but almost

i worry that i have lost my path
and will never find it again
have fallen into the hole 
never to resurface

i guess all i can do is wait

maybe i'll go blind
maybe i'll go deaf
and what then

how will i balance on the limbs of trees
and bellow at the moon
and revel in the birdsong
when i can't let any of it in?

4.26.22
21:00

ooooofa what a day!
meeting angela the kestrel
and the chickens
and the frogs and peacock and bunny

pulling weeds around rare orchids brought here
from all over the west bank

learning more about what this place is
what this land is
and what the situation is here.

It felt effort less to put effort in
of course this space deserves love
and attention and sweat and some blood

a long time ago I said
that life was finding the beauty in struggle
and here it is

scarlet poppies pushing through concrete rubble

olive and pecan and grapefruit striving hard to make little headway

the hypnotic petals of a plant precariously perched on the edge

a people corraled and bound
cut off from the rest of the world
left to the dust
that find joy in their music and dance and laughter
that still sow seeds in their desert
to water with their tears

'never give up'
says the dalai lama

'we will be here
in your throat 
like a thorn
in your eyes
like a sandstorm'
say others

these people lived here

and maybe the jewish people have been kicked out for millenia
but how can we still kick out others and still hold compassion
knowing full well
how hard that is.

i will need time to process all this
and learn more
but i'm glad i'm here

---

the commmunity at the museum of natural history is great
tonight daniella made tajin
and there was jimmy's persimmon pie

we all ate together like a big family
i loved it

and dr mazen is something else

---

it's so good to be here with dany
working on problems together
and making progress

we played with some epoxy casting today
we'll see how it goes.

---

sorry for the terse vignettes
i'm tired
and it's getting late

i'll try to journal every day though.

well i missed Edance in Tel-Aviv.
but that's okay I'd be too tired anyway.

I hope I get to visit Jericho and Temima.

4.3.22
23:50

the pain finally came last night
the unrooting
of a love burrowed deep
in that place closest 
to my self

i want to yell and scream and cry
greif wants out and yet
i can't find a place to let it out

when i am dancing
and cuddling
with open loving people
i feel so full and whole

as if the universe were putting me there
in front of these loving souls
showing me how i can feel

but between the two was still hard

how can i take care of myself when 
my favorite taco joint
no longer sells mushroom tacos
and the gluten free bakery
makes funny tasting pistachio rose loafs
and i have no pen to journal with
and im tired of watching grown men
throw balls into hoops

well
the towering trees
and relentless wind
dance for me
and the grass holds me
and my breath fills me
and the sun warms me
and for then,
that was that.

a hippie hill drum circle
in chaos and harmony
a community skatepark
children smiling
pointing at me

you called, mom
i love you for that
even though i couldn't talk.

a surprise visit from Puck
catching up after all these years
the last time we saw each other was 
in an airplane that we flew
to and from los banos, where oscar grew up

bhan mi with him and Dany
and then
cuddles

how i love you so much
rachel, willow, geo, dany, dani,
dev, happy, evan, chris, brian
and maya

it's beautiful to meet
the playful ones
with sweet souls
and soft hands
and loving eyes.

looking forward to 
whatever is to come

2.26.22
23:00

well i think we just broke up
and i am upset
but can't express it in my face

my body doesn't even know how to show this pain
maybe because it's bearable.

fuck i miss you already
but it also feels so good to be... free
alone again
something about this ive missed
maybe it's the infinite potential.

so why am i writing this?
i guess it's because
i fucking didn't want to break up
and hurt another soul
and yet here i am
telling you 'maybe we rushed into this'
because i am trying to protect you
from your own heartbreak

god how i care so much about you
how i want you to be so happy
and free and loved and feel safe
and creative and express yourself
and how much it pains me to watch you suffer
why don't you see this?

you said 
'maybe it makes sense 
to downgrade this relationship 
to friendship'
so non-chalantly i thought
you had already done it yourself

but it wasn't something you were comfortable with
it was something you feared
something you'd be angry doing
not happy doing

fiamma I don't want to know how well you can mold yourself to me
i want to know what you look like
spikes and goo and tears and fists and all
and you keep holding it back
because you dont like it
and maybe ... you just aren't that
you aren't someone who needs that in their life
but i am
and we are so incompatible in some ways
and compatible in others that sort of matter
but don't drive deep into my soul
so AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
there it is
that fucking pain that sears my chest wide open
i have been dating someone for over a year
that i have to hurt in order to feel connected to
WHAT THE FUCK
that is not fucking healthy.

how the hell did we end up breaking up tonight?
i feel so empty
what the fuck just happened?
anger and rage and fear are swelling up inside me
did i just lose my anchor?
i feel lost
swept away at sea

we never went sailng
we never finished our vans
im a piece of shit
maybe i'm not
im probably not

what then
why
who
is to blame

i don't want blame here
i just want love
why can't she just fill everything with love
like i try to do.

im going to go to bed
even though i should probably keep writing
but it's funny how now
all of a sudden
as soon as I'm not dating someone

the words come out endlessly.



2.18.22
8:57

Hi Cat and Jeff,

I feel nervous writing this because I know that I want to be part of sleepawake camp.
Maybe instead I'll write a loveletter to myself.

Dear Josh.
I love the way
you woke this morning
an opened eye led you to
let the light in

yawns stretched your cavernous breath
wide open
a quiet night perturbed
bubbles underneath your skin
came to the surface

youv'e been missing this 
closeness
to self
to being
to emotions
to thought
to laughter
to light
to sound

to it all

and you notice yourself distracted
by the thoughts that bring you 
in circles around this makerfarm
dreaming of a day where
instead of this culture of meritocracy
doing for validation and worth
we get to revel in our being
stand shining in vulnerable sweat
hearts naked for all of us to witness
each and every one of our beautiful existences.

so you feel like you're not in the right space
not resonating with people interested in that vision
in that reality
who reach for substances - i can't let go of that one
who reach for substances instead of witnessing themselves
and watching what happens
please just watch what happens
i'll hold your hand, even.

i miss those dance floors
where boundless time stretched on
and i moved through it 
swimming in my own body's fluid motion
savoring the sweat that bead

and im putting this off
what is tempting me
here the sweetness of taste
or rapture of just being still

i prepare some tea to 
perhaps bring me back to those moments where
i took care of myself just a bit better


am I ready to be 
on hawaii with you two?
teaching, of all things?
am i /qualified/?
what makes me qualified?

well,
dear amanda:

I'm so fucking sorry for your loss
I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel right now
but if I had to

that aching wonder
what if?
how could I have?
why is he gone?
where did he go?
why did he go?

and the deep, sullen cry
I miss him!
I miss him!
I miss him
i miss him

the dull hollow of my belly
asking for fullness
missing that feeling of 
being whole
yet holding onto the pain
just so that i don't forget how good it felt
before he was pulled from my heart

and the only thing that brings me anywhere else
is the breath
but i hold even that back.

i miss you
i'd stop breathing to bring you back
but there's no bringing you back
so all i can do is breathe.

11.17.21
8:29

Mateo was there
in the auditorium next door
a gymnasium that gave him the space 
to practice some of his songs
so that he would play for us
sometime soon.

i listened through the wall
the whole performance wondering when
hed play a song about
what was happening in his body

but it was all punk and rock
his favorites
and some of his own

he never mentioned the word cancer once

i snuck into the gym afterward to say hi
we hugged and i could barely speak
i asked how things were
and he mentioned a doctor
he didn't say radiologist or oncologist
but i knew what he meant
and when i tried to tell him
'that sounds really hard'
my words came out like a scratched record
but the tears came in a steady stream

we hugged and cried together
it was the softest i'd ever seen him
a professor was trying to avoid us by slinking around the walls

mateo left 
and my sister arrived through the back doors
we hugged
and i woke up facing the wall.

10.26.21
3.05


I have shed this place
it is no longer my home

the trees once tall
that held this forest
have been felled

the community
of friends and families
that played in the streets
have stopped playing

the air is quiet now
with a scent of lonliness
and fear of the other


my memories of this place
will live on

i will keep them alive
breathing into them
and receiving their breath

for my childhood was full of life
and so my memories 
of this place
will bring back that life

---

'suburbs'

who even lives here anymore

i don't see life happening.
i see leaves floating in
stagnant eddies
collecting scum
on the banks 
of the river of life.

come in for a swim
please
i know you will eventually
just leave sooner than later
so you can enjoy this river some more.

8.19.21
10.15

i'm looking for someone
to help me move forward
instad of choosing to reinforce these steps
ive already taken

to help me leave this path
to find my own

i am stuck here
because i hate hurting others
but i know that by staying here
i am hurting both them
and myself


9.25

what the fuck

this is grief
i - before - e ' grief '
i feel choked and held down
this space consumes me
i dont even know where i am right now

she needs me
and i dont want that
she needs my connection to 
feel safe sharing
the same space as me
as if she was unwelcome

welcome
what does that mean
welcome

be here 
now 
with me

but here
and now
not how

maybe how 
is part of welcome
maybe you need
the warm fuzzy feelings
of love in this home
to be welcome

but... isn't that 'welcome home?'
how about 'welcome to hell!'
maybe welcome is just
'i'm happy to see you'
more than
whether or not someone may
be permitted to be
in any space

and yeah, maybe i'm not happy to see you
maybe i'm not anything to see you
what if i am so nothing in general
that i can't be anything for you
maybe you wouldn't feel welcome

and because you need that
you want to leave.

how about that....


---------


i am being pulled away from this space
i'm so far gone already i can see it turning to sand in the distace
a heat wave of oblivion swallowing it whole.

the moon is blood red
and i am already dead here

that me that made parts of this space
created something from a field of brambles
that me is dead

and i have left.

a new me is born out of the red
the urgency of wounds
'this will get worse 
if you do not tend to it'

i am beginning to bleed out
and it's time to start the bandages.

i cannot contribute more to this farm.
i cannot contribute more to thie relationship.
i cannot contribute more to this community.

its time to leave.
and it's going to fucking hurt.

7.29.21
10.54

someone told me today to do 'something for josh please'
it's been a long and rough day

fiamma left to go backpacking, so the little bean was all under my care

we took a short walk but she didn't want to go far.
maybe that 2 mile walk the other day was too much.

i also get the sense that we're not feeding her right.
and i feel less connected to her.

then i started work on the pipes again
and one of the fellows wanted to help me
so i let him
even though I knew it would be better if I just did it myself

he was eager to get things done
and i let him choose the road forward
and i knew there would be problems
and there were problems
and then bean was vomiting because she was too hot
and ate a bunch of walnut milk
and then the pipes blew up into the air and it was crazy and everything was awful
and then they blew up the instapot
and then they left apples and banana peels everywhere
and then the whole place was a fucking mess
and i had no way to control it all
and bean was eating my hand while my head was in a hole
and it all fucking went to shit
and i hated myself all day
and was cursing at myself and wishing i was dead
because i took out the water for everyone else

why are all these thought patterns coming back?
probably because im' not treating myself well
at all
what the fuck is wrong with me

i need to leave this place.

6.7.21
8:26

one of my 
interpretations of
the meaning of life

is finding those things
moments actions visions
that remind me of
the overwhelming beauty
i am suspended in

11:27

it's been a few days of restless nights
sore calves and 
a heart full of
this piglet named bean

i'm loving being a father
even knowing she's not my child
even knowing she won't be with me for longer than a few weeks
bean is such a beautiful being to be with

it occurs to me now that
i should facetime with laura and frankie
and others
but

i just love her little warm hopeful body
her spirit of unabashedly taking what she needs
her gratitude for the gifts of life
her excitement to explore and 
her grace in struggle

i love the opportunity to appreciate her
to feed her
to warm her small body
to comfort her 
to cheer her on in her difficulties with pooping

i love seeing the smile on her face
wiping the goo off her eyes so she can see
cleaning up her crystal clear pee
and oinking with her in delight

im so glad you're with us bean
looking forward to these next few weeks with you
sooo much.


6.12.21
10.47

what a strange
thing it is
this space between
writing

i miss journaling so much
but it's not often that I feel...
comfortable
enough to do it

i'm so aware that how i am living
is not sustainable for me

that it is eating at my edges
rotting my teeth
soiling my skin

and yet here i am
perpetuating it 
every day

i miss my best practices
i miss waking up before the sun
to watch it in the cool air
and hike through the woods 
welcomed by the chirping birds
and loving cool air
i miss fasting till noon
and practicing yoga
in the comfort of my own space

there are many things i miss
but here i have resposiblities
to the goats and chickens and pigs
and the people that come through this space
and i honor those responsibilities 
but i cannot live like this forever

the climate does not suit me
there is never a break
it is hard work every day
and of course, it's because i will not put my roots down here
i am still desiring to leave
and i am greiving over the fact that
i still have not left
my inner child has quieted his screaming
because he has screamed so loud
his throat is now sore

i looked at the moon longingly today
it's clear urban spaces need more of this
but no one is willing to say that 
slowing down is the way

and therein lies the problem
a race that never ends

so i hope to find space 
and slow down
at the river's edge

--

i went to the transhumance festival today
with crystal and jeff
and the crew from her ranch
i met john and athena and sarah and guido
it was beautiful.  the whole thing.
the mayor spoke of soil ammendment
i got an art lesson from a smiling child
i drew and pet goats
i got a goat lesson from athena
i pet a mule
and met a donkey my own age.

life is strange and beautiful sometimes
and events like these remind me of that

i also felt out of place at times
but that feeling just wakes me up.

now its time for bed though
i don't know how ill finish this contract.
i have so many ideas and experiments i want to try
but i really need to get this board out the door.


5.11.21
0:27

i just wish that
today 
and every day
could be easier.

4.21.20
10.38

fuck

wait

look back

at yourself

do you see the footprints 
you are making?

they are so close
to the last ones you left here
two years ago

how could this be?

last year we were so far away
and now 
somehow
back here again?

I didn't mean to come back here
I meant to leave
in search of something 
perhaps less comfortable to my mind
but more confortable to my heart

but here i am again
promising others
ill draw their schematics
and manufacture their circuit boards
in exchange for money.

and it feels 'all right'
this isn't bad
it's where i am

but i know that is a trap
i've seen it trap others

and i know the thought 'this isn't all right'
is also a trap

so
i guess
insead of reacting in the opposite direction

maybe let's just
notice

oh
those footprints are here
i am here again
and soon enough
i won't be

just as the winter stoms come through once a year
so too do i.


------


they signed the contract.  I just pulled in $12k for ~80 hours of work to be done over the course of 2 months.

many would consider this a big accomplishment.

but i ask you, 
if you're reading this and feel like it is a big accomplishment
to step back for a moment.

notice that feeling of accomplishment or wonder or awe or desire or approval.
notice where it is coming from.
Does it have anything to do with the numbers after the dollar symbol?
Does it have anything to do with the word contract?
Or the notion that I've done something new?
Does it come from your heart or your stomach or your mind?
What if it was 200k or $2 or 8000 hours of work? 
Would you feel any different?

I understand the celebration.
but I find it only knocks me off balance.
My celebration is meditation.
Re-grouping.
experiencing peace and joy and stillness.
for if every moment doesn't deserve to last a lifetime
i don't know what moment does.


------

I spent many hours this past week driving

it is not my nature to be moving so effortlessly 

i appreciate it for what it is though.

it will help me live one of my long dreams.

breathe, josh

it's going to be okay.

3.8.21
11.04

it's been too long since i journaled
its cold today
today was a slow and rough day
my phone slipped and the screen is flickering
i got a little work done on the van today

installed a new AC filter
re-assembled the ac control board
installed some led tail lights
and installed the cargo door weatherstrip (finally)

i wish i had done more work on the floor today but
i was so tired and out of it
all day

i had really strange dreams last night
with a pot-bellied danny bankman
and jane and laura and paula
and sara ?  and evan
lots of people were in it
bizarre pool-party basement movie watching
i dont even know why or how
i hope i sleep better tonight

sage the goat is really starting to like me
he enjoys my head scratches

im so tired of drama and everything else
sometimes i just want to quit it all and leave
but i know i have to muscle through and make progress every day
or ill never leave.

it's just hard without covered workspace

fuck why do i always make life hard for myself????????/

gratitude gratitude gratitude gratitude

grateful for
the puffy clouds
dinner
the goate
little victories
this journal
water
breath
my parents
my friends
the feeling of love

3.6.21
9.16

I wonder what scale or size
held withing my timid eyes
could satisfy the gigant tortoise
mumbling rumbling court us court us!
each slow step a curious code
an art a dance an act a mode
the meal to the chef
the croak to the toad 
the land to the road 
the weight to the load


space 


3.4.21
8.16

somehow four days have passed
i don't even know what happend

but i worked on my van for the last three of them
im pretty sure

today i cut three pieces of 1" foam 
in the shape of the floor that used to be in the van

i finally finished coating all the rust spots on the floor
and i think i'm ready to start gluing everything together.

i need to call szuszi tomorrow to figure out if i'm going down there
It's supposed to rain tomorrow night

lots of things are happening

krista's called often

im processing some emotions and attractions
like i always do

it all feels like distraction from sitting and yoga still

--

oh, and i got a piece of metal stuck in my eye
fiamma drove me to the ER
i got it removed and the next day
the rust that was still in there was removed

now im using antibiotics in my eye to 
prevent the scratches from getting infected

it's strange how fragile we are
even though it never felt like we were

did something happen when i believed I was old?

who knows.
i need more safety equipment
i no longer find it worth my while
to play with materials that are hazardous

when once I would suck on resistors
i now won't touch lead solder.

--

the goats are amazing
i am friends with the young male
he likes getting scratched in the middle of his head

i threw rotten tomatoes at the pigs today
and they loved it

belatrix is a slick chicken

im tired

maybe this is good night

i am grateful
for how full i feel
and how tired i am
and how ready for bed i am
and how i am consciously trying
to be with my self
all the time.

2.28.20
11.37

live every day like it's your last

always take the higher road

my father once told me that
we were on a mountain
skiing
and he would always use his momentum
to climb  the slope of the hill
as we were stopping.

i saw it gave him options
opportunities to go
more directions
with more potential

when we would wander in the backwoods
in the glades or off-piste
i found myself staying high

it kept me out of trouble
kept me moving
gave me options
helped me avoid getting stuck

i absorbed this teaching into my life
and although it means something different
when we say 'take the high road'
in many ways
it works the same way

love yourself enough
and love others enough
to keep yourself moving
to give yourself opportunity
to avoid the pitfalls of humanity

--

yesterday I played laser tag in a mausoleum
with jay bird and other friends

parts of me danced with the dead
other parts of me worried we were descecrating them
but i know my intentions were good

--

today my fuel pump outlet line decided to release itself
and spewed diesel everywhere

the engine halted in the middle of the road
i spent all morning fixing it
learning how to bleed the system and prime the pump

i really wanted to work on the floor
so much for that today
there's always tomorrow

so much for living each day like it's your last

and that brings me to this gut feeling that
i don't want a vehicle at all
how can I live my life to the fullest
when i have so many things?

there's too much to do
too much to see
to worry about an engine
when i can use my legs
or a bicycle 
to GO somewhere

::breathe::

it's okay

the anxiety that lives within me
worrying that i'll never go where i want to go
never do what i want to do
will let the whole world pass me by

it stirs in this light
the light of the passing of time

::breathe::

my self-comparison picks up
i begin to devalue my choices 
and then run toward blame and labeling

but what if instead
i do something different?

i make a choice that makes me proud
or better yet
choose to be content with where i am
in this journey

i see so many around me
shining brightly
where did my light go?
i don't know if I can see it
amongst these 
beautiful stars.

but when i close my eyes
i remember
my light is the one that i can feel
burning 
slowly
steadily
sipping oil from the lamp
a small 
gentle
flame
just hot enough
to light yours.

--

i miss writing
i miss the endless stream that leaves my fingers
and my heart
and my throat
and my lips

i miss talking in tongues
speaking in syllables
conversing in contact
debating in dance

i wonder
what if I really wrote some thing
stayed on topic for more than
just a few lines
and let out a whole idea
that lived in my mind?

i wonder what that would look like
i wonder how that could come to be

--

i miss alone time
i miss closeness

come sleep next to me again
like we did in that little blue tent

come fly kites with me again
like we did on briggs field and at nahant

come laugh with me again
like we did on the river banks of fukui

come dance with me again
like we did on the ice rink

come cry with me again
like we did in your dorm room

come home to me
i will
i will

--

i want to lick everything
like a cat grooms itself

and with that
good night

2.26.21
9.05

today was a little window into the magic i know i can bring

keri and i were on a photoshoot

what i mean to say is - keri took me on a photoshoot
she photographed me in all the spaces on alameda that were part of my journey

we went to the tower where i interned for instructables and makani
we went to the skatepark where i've been shredding for the last few months
we went to the old makerfarm
we went to the new makerfarm
we went to the posey tube

i put on clothes that i felt represented my time then
including a jacket i still have from 2007
and an instructables t shirt
and my jumpsuit from instructables
oh how i miss that squid labs t-shirt

we talked about my journey
it was so beautiful dipping back into these memories with keri
and seeing how much i've changed since i was 15 on the steps of the tower
what was it? 1215 monarch st?  

i could feel my younger self cringing at the idea of being photographed
not knowing how to 'be'
and how much that's changed.

i sang songs as we ate lunch beside the cargo ships
and the flowing estuary

and keri pulled some cards for me:

-the talking stick-
speak your truth, take up the space to do so
this one has always been hard for me
but i know the more i do it,
the more i'll find myself where i want to be

-answer the call-
being present to listen to the language of the world
Paulo Coelho wrote that line in the alchemist
kyle miller gave me that book a long time ago
when we lived at tep.
that book has been one of the most influential stories in my life
i will always yearn to learn the language of the world

-return to the flow-
it's time to let go of anything i'm holding on to
and get back into the flow of life
forgive myself
forgive others
and flow.
lots of change is coming, 
and i'm ready for it.

-spirit of the earth-
get back in touch with nature
feel the one-ness
be your own best friend
your own mother
your own father
connect with that which is around you
let it hold and support you
receive the support that is offered

breakfastlunchdinner was so nourishing
keri always makes amazing food and
i miss providing my own meals for my body
i want to cook again so badly!
i really need a stove!

i'm so grateful for all the gifts i received today
and all the gifts i've been receiving this whole week

i love being alive when
life is like this

breathing deeper and deeper into 
my own soul and
the vastness of 
space

i miss my parents and my sister
i miss hans and laura and sara
i miss krista and marty 
i miss being my own best friend

i know my words aren't 'cool' or 'hip' or 'edgy' or 'informative'
and i don't care.  these words express what i'm feeling
and i love feeling this way
i love feeling love and joy and happiness
and there's no reason to be ashamed of that
for so long i lived in a community that i felt
made fun of those feelings
i don't care how edgy you are anymore
i just want to be this way.

i have always been a 'dirty hippie'
if that's what you want to call me
or a nature boy
or a fawn or a sprite or a fairy
a forest spirit

that's always been me.
and it always will be me.


===


sometimes right before bed
i find myself reaching for comforts
maybe food 
or water
or text messages 
or emails
or facebook
or telegram
or signal

and to be honest
what i'm actually reaching for is
my journal
my blankets
my heart
and stillness.

there's no need to grab onto things
that will entertain you or
susteain your attention or
distract you

give yourself what you want
life will be much easier that way.
i promise.
and i love you.

2.22.21
9.24

what have i done to my self
not much
just letting the days go by in search of comfort in my showers 
and safety in my home
and food

remember when i'd spend weeks on end making?
creating mysteries that no one had ever seen?
yes, i was off balance
but i was also creating

was that a measure of my worth?
of the expansion of my possibilities?
i dunno
some people seem to think so
but whatever

those people just talk into a camera and don't destroy their bodies

i can fucking do and build anything if i want to
and usually all i want to do and build is just a joke or a fantasy or

nothing that will be of use
but people like seeing shit like that
who knew it could have so much impact
seeing the possibilities
despite their lack of use
or practicality
or anything

people want to see their imaginations fly
they want to experience confusion and awe
and that can both be brought on by
the actor
the god
and the creator

if i leave today
understand that
i have not left unchanged

for i have already planted my seeds 
of play and curiosity
everywhere i have walked



2.9.21
10:23

today I drove the people's forklift
from 1.0 to 2.0

along the way i noticed
smoke billowing out 
but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary

though when I arrived
and turned off the engine

there was a light in the engine compartment

'i don't remember turning on a light in there...'

there is no engine compartment light
it was fire
burning the oil and rubber hoses
and old insulation

it was gross
and now i know what it's like to drive a burning forklift

the end

--

i finally finished building doors for the barn
now if only i could get my door latch to shut on my van

doors doors doors

2.7.21
11:19

the past few weeks have been HARD
so much pain has been held within
and under my heart


1.14.21
10.13

oh no it's been so long
look at that month drift under my feet
like leaves floating on the river bend

--

i came here today because
i have visions that i want to share
and maybe are worth recording

today while eating the oatmeal i cooked
watching the light fall on the leaves of an apple tree outside my window
the sky clearning to blue
i saw a place that was still and grounded
so deep rooted into its space that 
it could support the weight of many, many
and when one would come that needed
it gave
then another and another
each time space for more
it was a cavern that grew to fit
the entirety of the world in its womb
and the secret
was stillness
not stillness in the typical sense of the word
perhaps stillness in acceleration
moving exactly at 
the speed of time
of breath
of growth

in many ways i believe
the secrets to sustainability are wrapped up in
blankets of slowness

take the time
to sit still
and move slowly
as the plants that give you life
or the waterfall will be over 
as soon as it begins

--

the desire used to be
to jump
into the air
and now
it is
to sit

--

moving slowly we can
create our spaces
homes and realities
weaving
thread by thread
without rush
without the need to get something done in time
there is no pressure
and without pressure
no pain
no fear
no sorrow
no agony
if we can choose to live without these experiences,
why choose to live with them?

And as we build it,
so we destroy it
one thread at a time
picking up all of the pieces
and leaving nothing but
our time's footprint on the earth.

--

let us think more of how we will die
rather than how far we can reach
how much we can have
and how much more it could all be

--

specifically,
what will it look like when we die
when our corporations are nothing but hollow concrete shells
when our ships have all sunk
our phones scatter the earth

let us bring beauty to our death
with intention
or be certain to face the stench of it
in time

--

I like building castles in the sand
because the planet cleans up for me

it's not so obvious
whether it will be so willing to
clean up all of our castles.

--

men, masculine

your worth is not in
the mountains you can summit
the game you can hunt
the women you fuck
the strength you wield
the thoughts you have
the knowledge you learn
the artifacts you invent
the stories you tell
the wisdom you hold
the way you look

your worth is in
the way you choose
to place your inevitable next step
into the unknown.



12.30.20
7.48

day to day
week to week
moon to moon

i may have lost these days 
to the sands of time
falling through
the spaces between
my fingers

i may have lost these teeth
cut on a wheel of sweets
and sweat

i may have lost my love
in a fit of indecision and
a gesture to give

i may have broken this heart
by scraping it against
another broken heart
still jagged and
in love with its own pieces

i may have turned the tides
of this wretched place
not a real wretched
just the perpetual demands of me
finally demanding of those that have been demanding

i may have removed the roots
from the trees that were once livingh ere
that have grown older than my time here
that have provided shelter for those that once lived here
that brought tears to my eyes
when they fell

i may have found the ways to walk that i dislike

i may have been another person
or two or three

i may have lost my mind
and my soul
in this dirt

i may have broken promises
to myself
to this land
to the earth
to others

i may have shattered dreams
and ruined roads
and gotten everything lost
int the chaos of what is to come

i may have given others everything i had
and left nothing for those i loved

i may have burned this candle at both ends
leaving only a stub of ash
balancing on the rim
of a wine glass


did you hear the birds singing?
it's december
the bells are ringing
bombs blasting
yaks yowling
wind howling
and the belly of the beast 
grumbles
in its eternal slumber



12.5.20
12.48

watching 'the queen's gambit'
I see another side of games
that there are no 'winner's' or 'losers'
that the game 
is the only thing that is there
so much of playing a game isn't about
who is on 
the winning or losing side
/that/ is the game of the ego
the game of the titleseeker
but it is about how the game plays out
how it evolves
knowing all of the possibilities
the paths between one state to another
understanding how they unfold
getting to know the games in its seemingly infinite variety
like the varietys of flowers, or trees
these games have found a way
with simple rules
to offer great complexity and pattern

what beauty lies beneath these games?

and in the end of these games
what matters more?
which side each person is on
or the dance they had?

it is beautiful to watch lovers dance
and in the same way
masters play
'it is your game'
the shepard passes their staff
as the grass sows its own seed
and we watch on
in awe.

11.28.20
9.32

today was such an intense day
i have no more spoons
jamie and i got the van back from south san jose
after a bunch of random attempts to charge its dead battery
i got a covid test
we got boba
i went biking with jaybird and ryan
and found a community of vanpeople building out sprinters

i feel like maybe i didn't need to get a sprinter
maybe it'll be too luxurious
what am i even doing

and yet whatever
im here

i talked to dan parker
he said i sounded like a california hippie
that i sounded different from when we last spoke
i felt hurt by that, but i don't need to
i am embodying what i want to embody
when we are young our manner of speech is constantly growing
i learned a lot of speech from california hippies
that is nothing to be ashamed of
he just wants me to be my self
to speak like my self
and this is what my self is 
right now

jaybird says shes going to taiwan
my interest is piqued
only to remember the last time i chased a girl halfway around the world
maybe this time 
lets not do that

can we
sit still
for just one moment?

jamie asked me to come over and watch a movie
and i couldn't say no
even though i wanted to
i was so out of spoons
i couldnt use a spoon for myself

watch out for this state in the future

I feel like all this social time
is too much for me
i too need my independence
and space
and quiet 
and peace

walk slowly
and melt into the world

too much driving
too much speaking
the bike ride was beautiful
i am an ant
let me burrow into this 
beautiful
brown
earth.


11.27.20
7.09

well
i jumped off a cliff
and didn't get /too/ nervous

I bought a van today
it's a 2003 dodge sprinter 2500
it's the 'tall' but not 'long' version
but its fine

somehow i got here
and somehow, i'll be somewhere else tomorrow

11.18.20
8.10

Hi.

Where are you right now?
Reading this from the comfort of your home or
on public transit from the phone in your palm?

How was your day today?
What was it like when you woke up?  
Were you warm or cold?  
Clean or covered in sweat and grime from the last week?
What was the first thing that came to your mind?
Was it hard to get out of bed?
Did the 4AM AMTRAC wake you up?

What was your morning like?
Was it bright out side and quiet enough to hear the birds chiping?
Was it raining or cloudy?
Was it cold and snowy, and were you shivering because you don't have heat?

Did you eat breakfast?
Or have coffe?
Or listen to your tummy grumble because you like to feel hunger at least once a day
to remind yourself what it's like to not be able to have food
and make it so easy to find gratitude on the days you do.

Did you help anyone today?
Did anyone help you today?
Did you smile at the sun?
Or give thanks to the earth for giving you a place to live on its back?
Did you find frustration or anger?
Did you break your heart today
when you noticed there were more people sleeing on the street
than there were last week?

I've spent 3 months living at makerfarm again.
I have a roof over my head, but can never close the windows all the way.
I don't have my own kitchen.
I don't have a clean floor larger than 6'x4'
I do have a hot outdoor shower
I do have running water
i do have electricity

and yet life here is still FUCKING HARD.
can you imagine what it would be like to not even have a roof over your head?

i continue to wonder how the millions of people who are homeless are 
supposed to find their way back into the social fabric when
they aren't resourced enough to take care of themselves.

have you tried to go to work when you were nursing an addiction 
or a child?
how about when you haven't showered in months,
or haven't felt safe in months.

can you understand why it's so hard to re-integrate someone into the social fabric/
can you understand why it's so important that we keep people in the fabric
rather than letting them slip through.

it's SO much easier to perform preventative maintenence 
like brushing your teeth
than it is to do a root canal.

STOP letting people fall through the fabric.
We need to change this.

11.5.20
9.46

another day gone by
biked to the skate park today
it was much easier getting there
even with the wind blowing me back
than getting back
with tired old knees

going through old things
finding core's poems
and book recommendations
made me miss the love we had

finding books that bubby brought to me
made me want to call her and hug her

lots of time has passed
i'm not sure it's moving any faster
but it's certainly more concentrated

i do miss my simple life alone

community is nice
but peaceful mornings 
and slow days
bring me such joy
even if i never do 
climb the mountains
i can watch them sitting
meditating 
from the lake's shore

i'll return to tahoe this weekend
im looking forward to it.


i sense my self avoiding something.
maybe it's leaving this place.


11.3.20
4.50

laura called
it's winter time there
i could hear the cold
on her lips

some things blossom
and fertilise
and fruit
and seed

and when it's all over
the blossom is nowhere to be found

i seek some permanence in my flowers
not by polymerization

by fountains
of love.

10.30.20
10.48

it's close to full moon

today was
a lot

i woke up and spent the morning making a new music space 
in the barn across from mine
and helped xela turn the table into a bench
and wrote bubby a post card
and showered.

but i didn't watercolor for rmli
and i didn't play much music
instead i went flying

dan and i went to blue rock in alameda
im grateful that my car didn't get broken into
(there have been a lot of break ins recently)
it's a little bit of a hike
but it felt good to walk up high 
watching other people launch and land
or soar for a while

i wanted to start out slow
it'd been a while since i'd flown my glider
so i took my time watching others
get their wing into the air
and launch

i kited my wing on the top of the ridge
off to the side of the launch
enough to feel comfortable launching
long enough to feel in control
i launched with quite a bit of control
but the wind was weak
and i wanted to kite on launch for longer than i did
so it goes

i stayed up for half an hour
staying close to the terrain for lift
but with a safe and comfortable margin
i learned the 'wrong of way' when someone told me to stay left
and on the next pass yelled at me 'you're not in europe!'
and on the next pass said 'oh, i mispoke!  stay to the right!'
i climbed up the ridge and eventually got to soar over the top of it
i learned to see trees as part of the terrain instead of 
growing on top of the terrain
i played with brake pressure and got more familiar with my wing
i used a lot of weight shift to turn instead of brake
i sunk out and landed at the lower launch
it was a side-hill landing, my first.

i walked back up to the the top of the ridge and had some water
it was golden hour
dan was kiting up there and launched
I tried to kite but the wind wasn't steady enough
i went to launch and really had a handle on my wing
i kited for a few minutes
i turned to face forwards
i walked backwards up the hill on launch
i checked the wing to slow it down when it surged
i let up on the brakes to speed it up when it was slowing
and when i decided to launch, i torpedoed into the air
never had a launch felt so good.

dan and i were the last ones in the air
we watched the sun set from there
and the nearly full moon rise
over the shadow'd hills, that yellow orb was the light of the night
an eye of the prince
sitting looking over
palm trees and
barren pasture
the pastel hues that straddled its pupil
put me in a haze
the scene flattened and 
pop - every few minutes i'd turn to see
the burning clouds over mt tam
a rainbow ablaze across the bay
with estuaries and deltas reflecting
its gaze.

in a moment
i was grateful for everyone below me
and everything that i could see
we all came together into one thing
and i could see it all
and i could be with it all.

dan top landed
i tried.

i'd wanted to almost all day
but i didn't know what i was getting into

i knew i was coming in to land too high
but i didn't know what to do about it.

the correct answer was - don't land
take the time to have the correct approach

i'd never top-landed on a side-hill
i'd never been to the place before
i'd never flow at sunset
too much new
not enough familiarity

well i didn't go for another pass
i panicked and
grasping onto the plan
brought myself to the ground.
my wing blew over the top of the ridge
pulling me with it
past razor sharp volcanic rock
that i dodged
for the most part.
my wing flew over the barbed wire fence and stopped there
a few puncture wounds in it, to be examined later.
and i left with only a few scratches on my arm, leg, and ribcage.

how lucky i was
how dangerous this sport is.
i don't want to put myself in this kind of danger.
scrapes i can handle.
the humiliation of crashing, too.
but i don't want broken bones
or worse.
i need to rethink how i am approaching paragliding
and i need to talk to others for help in forming this new perspective.

i want to take it slower
i want to fly my wing on the ground more
i want to make landing feel as controlled at taking off was today
and most of all
i want to be safe

i love being alive.

sorry for putting you in harms way today.
i promise to work towards not doing it again.
and promise not to fly until I know that i can be safer.

10.29.20
11.02

one day gone by
but i only wrote what i saw 
with my eyes closed

in the waking dream
a fountain was brought to the bathroom
i floated over concrete prisms and curves
and late at night
i played rhythms and melodies and harmonies
for strangers' souls strung out 
across the globe

and finally
over the garden wall


last night was my first time using a looper pedal with
a drum set and a keyboard and guitar and mic

i improvised something like 4 songs
and had such a blast doing it
i love playing music
i love finding the songs that come from nowhere
building them up stone by stone
and starting over again

maybe one day i'll decorate them to 'finish'
but for now this is so much fun


today there was more of that
but also finishing that automatic chicken coop
and more skateboarding

the crock was tonight
and at it i saw so many people that i love and cherish
it was so beautiful and hilarious and joyful
christy performed in it too
it made me want to participate in years to come
and i saw someone i love.

its funny how faces can remind me how i feel
thank you for finding that feeling within
the flowing sap from the trunk of a tree
moving ever upward
pushing out from a strong and coherent center
into the tiniest of vessels, branching in every direction
growing with another helps me feel like that
and i love it.

i got one of the LED panels i was given working
and it reminded me of tep
and it reminded me of miters
and it reminded me of your smiling face
cheery eyes holding
sparkles in the air between us.

i'm so grateful for these memories.
im so grateful for each breath.
im so grateful for you.
im so grateful for me too.

sleep well
vibrant unfolding dreams to you!

10.28.20
10.11

a long dream
stood out from the
threads of my unconscious
last night

the world was changing
rapidly
and so many people were getting
left behind

new beings were here
i couldn't call them alien
because i never saw them
only the husks and shells and footsteps they made
with the technology they embedded themselves within

spires of frozen water 100 stories tall out on the ocean
lattice towers growing faster than bacteria
blooming like the fruit of the mushroom
smoke from our cities afar
and rumor from our mouths

i was on a ship
apparently crewed by these others
were they our assailants?
I didn't know, but I saw rob and his dad there

we acknowledged the strange newness happening 
i recognized some new clothing i'd never seen before
and behavior
and identified my first few others

it hit me that were was more to them than i thought
they weren't /like/ us
there was a whole society in their otherness
characters acting in ways we'd never seen before
that could take advantage of us so easily if
we stuck to our old ways

there were those of us that would learn
that could blend in by upending one of them
trading clothes
spending time observing and learning how they were
those of us that could blend in would survive

there were those of us that would fight
in these subtle ways
using whatever means we could
to slowly chip away 
in an earnest attempt 
to restore what peace we had before

i looked back at the last 30 years of my life
realizing how peaceful it had been
even these wars
even with the advent of the internet and new technology
even with school and college and traveling from culture to culture
all of that so stable
settled down on solid ground
traditions that rooted for millennia
and now
everything was changing daily

climate change was one thing
a slow adaptation over time
this was something entirely different
platforms that collapsed as soon as you landed on them

so i learned to run

there was a virus, too
something getting people sick they say
sick how?
no one knew
no one knew the symptomps
no one knew how it was transmitted
but the others were afraid of it
maybe we could use that to our advantage

i would stalk them on the starboard side of this ship
blue waves crashsing on the hull
such beauty stays even in the most trying of times
a little meditation never got someone killed
so i meditated hoping they wouldn't notice.

thoughts of meditating through death came up
am i ready to leave this body behind?
will i be reborn as one of them?
why struggle here, when i can surrender?

awoken by an officers distant footsteps,
i fled into hiding.
there were stations below the deck at regular intervals on both port and starboard.
think cannons on an old tallship
if i could commandeer one of those stations, i'd be set.
walking past the openings caught me glimpses of one officer in each
but i never knew if there was another hidden from view.

i'd need some way to stun them, then get down there.

i recall from playing goldeneye that i could open the door,
kill one of them, and wait for the other to come out
making them vulnerable to my steady aim.

what could I use, though?
the ship's deck was barren
white walls and stainless railing
there weren't even life preservers
let along something heavy enough to kill an other

in that moment the sea surged
the bow bowed, and the stern soared
a rolling chair came rushing on the deck way
i caught it and in that instant the ship had settled
my hand was already opening the door to the station
before I realized what was happening the chair had already crushed an officer
blood dripping on the control panel
but i had no other ammo for an additional officer
and rather than face my foe
i fled.

in no time i was being chased
i couldn't count how many were after me
but one of them had rank and was commanding the others
i managed to evade their shouts, and attempts to constrain me
but they were closing in on me and i had nowhere to go but overboard
so i jumped and clung onto the edge of a windowsill that spanned a gap
hanging by my fingers
the officers thought i was crazy
i could see others through the window staring at me
mouths agape
they called me a virus carrier and caught me,
pulling me back on deck
keeping their distance
and surprisingly... setting me free.
they constrained where i could go on deck but
no real reprocussions

in this surprise and delight
of the tenderness with which they tended to me
i awoke 
to the sunrise over oakland.

10.27.20
10.00

almost three months gone by
the numbers are small at first but
77 days
77 sunrises and sunsets
77 moments i opened my eyes for the first time in the morning
77 opportunities to listen to my body
77 different ways to spend a day
each one different from the last
some better
some worse
77 points of comparison
77 equally meaningful mornings
77 lullabies i'd sing myself to sleep at night

i can't believe it's been so long

to be honest
i just haven't felt resourced enough to do this the last 3 months
and that is sad to me
but here i am
and it's okay
so
what now?

night josh

8.9.20
10.30

today was supposed to be
so soft and quite and spacious

but that doesn't seem to happen here
not on szuszi's wavelength

i want to slow it all down
but she is like a train that never stops

this morning i meditated in the garden
with jade and alli 
peaceful and spacious

i drank water and felt whole
walked around the garden
got to know the two of them
one hand per cat

szuszi didn't sleep
we let the dogs out and i helped
macie pick apples
then pears

we went inside and i listened to szuszi 
i listen a lot
there is a lot for me to listen to
i hear her wanting to try writing
maybe i should invite that
but the time she has is so limited
how did it get this way?

it's so important not to bite off more than we can chew
and not to let ourselves stay in a place where 
we try to do more than we can do
the stress will cause us to crumble

start slow
go slow
never push further than
we feel good about
not 'oh, okay, i can do that once momre'
not dishonesty to our bodies
we must be honest with ourselves and others
what doesn't need to be done
mustn't destroy us

so learn to say 'no'
learn to watch our experiments fall apart
our trees break branches
fruit rot
fields lie fallow

learn to watch the passionflowers overcome with caterpillars
the white flies and aphids ravage tomatoes
raccoons and rats consume the grapes

learn to watch 'monday' come and go
the rain will wash away the dirt
the moon will raise the tides

all that matters is our heart is whole
that we keep it close
and listen

---

i am obcessed again with making a textile out of metamorphosis II

i ran into the ocean again today

i played guitar at the condo

and not much else

i pray that tomorrow will be calmer

but who knows.

8.8.20
9.46

oops
howd i miss a day?

set up oaklandsheep . org
took a photo of the san pedro flower
dehydrated plums
picked pears
learned about old nectarine trees
played guitar in the condo 
with kim and rhonda 
breathwork
went into the ocean
ate a bunch of weird cheese
fixed szuszi's home button
smelled some flowers
played more guitar
cheese + grains + amazing tomatoes
saw pelicans and seals

maybe i can't have astable relationship until i become stable, btw
as in send down a tap root and
stay in one place for a while

that kind of makes sense to me
but what about those people that travel and live?

im pooped

yesterday was
emptying the sand out of my wing
and showering 
and breadthwork in the morning with paul
then lunch with jess
and some stretching
and card reading
and a long lost wander in the forest of nisiene marks
and finding home again
giant fallen redwoods
stinging nettle
deer homes
smelly cum trees
light and shadow and water
and tea
then the most amazing meal of the year
with squash and pickles and tomatoes and basil
and quiche and cookies and pie and crumble and yogurt
and kombucha plus corriander tonic
damn that was delicious
followed with a dessert walk on the windless beach
and a long wonderful conversation with rhonda, who's a badass
and finally sleep

8.6.20
9.17

i want to be journaling more
since the days are so eventful

yesterday was flying at sand city
morning walks to try and find the beach
i couldn't get internet to volunteer at noon



today was fixing the chicken coop and
szuszi's faucet and
just getting some things done.
i was so hungry and exhausted today.
i got to watch theh san pedro bloom
and eat pears and plums
and play with jade and allie and doby and dolly
and talk to xiao
and my parents

im so pooped though
it must be time for bed


8.2.20
10.44

lying on
my back
i type

is it a full moon tonight?
where is my skateboard?

it's time to rest
to test if 
i can pull this off

sleeping in my car

today I moved out
my home for the last eight months
drifted far away
as i packed up ym things
my plants
my bike
my skiis and snowboard
my plants
and descended the 6000 feet
that separated me from the bay

before that I watched the sun rise 
one last time from my spot
i talked to my parents
i thanked the sun and the moon and the lake
i sat with them in meditation
so many sounds this morning
gentle ripples
swooping birds
excited fish
the leaves all waved 'bye'
and i remembered that the sun 
and hte moon
and hte water
would not leave me there -
that those teachers would stay with me
so i felt gratitude and love
and took part of the lake with me
and walked hone
the eagkes watching over
one last time

after we were all packed
i said goodbye to Jonathan and Cain
I'm going to miss both of them
Olivia too
We hugged
it was really nice to make a new friend
maybe one day i'll find a place to rent with him
maybe not.

i drove one last commute from
my home to squawllywood
remembering the way i felt when i first drove those roads
so bewildered and in awe that
my home was in a place like that
holding space for trees beyond my wildest dreams
rivers everflowing
turquoise waters and blue skies and
at the time the cold and snow
my heart overflowing with joy
i can still feel it now as I type

dropped off a rental helmet i'd been holding on to
since josh came to visit
and embarked on a new adventure

queue 'landslide'

the previous day jamie and I hiked in desolation
up to eagle lake for a swim, then
up to a peak, to granite late, and inspiration point

at the apex we put out a forest first the was just
smoldering for what seemed like days
we saw a peregrine falcon, and a marten
it was magnifiscent
and i am fading

i went to ambika's mother's passing ceremony very late today
it was at a park and there happened to be a kite festival today
dan brought his cut-wing
so much kiteflying a fun was had
ambika learned how to fly her two-liner foil
making turns and circles by the end of it
i was so grateful for those moments with her and dan
and merlin

i went to the van after for the first time in a while
hoping to find my dale cooper skateborad
no dice

then dan invited me to have dinner at his community
what a beautiful thing
just blocks from my therapist's building
four properties shared as one
with fruit trees and avocado and gardens
children and families and animals
an amazing vibrant beautiful space
i'm very happy he found it
and i got to watch the sun set from the 
top of an avocado tree at least 
two and a half stories tall

i'm in my car now ready to pass out  but
i thought it'd be good to update some things
and start writing more regularly 

love you lots
all of you
and me too

see you tomorrow!

7.28.20
10.17

what beautiful few days
up here in tahoe
i guess it's only been two
but these days have felt so long

sunrises and sunsets
walks and short adventures
moments of ease and flow and deep connection
and moments of turmoil and suffering
witnessing
caressing the rough waters with love
playing guitar
starting morning pages again
painting small canvases with
a wave of acryllic

getting closer to jamie is beautiful.
i feel so supported by her
applauding my every act of creativity
indulging in my desire for adventure
the feelings are too chaotic to write more
but i am grateful for this.

i'm too grateful for these days in the woods again
i miss my tree friends
the acvitity 
moving around
breathing fresh air
swimming in crystalline waters
on bulbous beige boulders
in a secret cove

today i sank to the bottom
further than I thought it would be
i was afraid
but didn't let fear take over me

i dove off the highest point
into the turquoise below

and backflipped too, for good measure
how i delight and play in swim

i love the water
and the loving sun
on my naked body

when i am naked in nature
i feel so much closer to it
i bare my self like
the trees bare theirs and
the water and the rocks
and the fish and the birds
and the sky and the clouds
and the bears and the squirrels
there is nothing but air between
me and everything else
and it's beautiful.

i wish we stayed at secret cove for longer
i loveed it

still do

paragliding tomorrow morning
i'm excited
and full of love

7.20.20
11.39

spent the day with jamie
breakfast smoothie and guitar
talking to sparrow
making beautiful pictures from the pig roast
jumping on trampoline
collecting plums
cooking zuchinni 
seeing esh
fake chicken dinner on the lake 
then playing guitar for new friends
jamie's roomates
as they play dr mario

it was a good day
i'm still feeling like
i'm living in a dream.

7.8.20
9.04

mountain biked for 20 miles along the tahoe rim trail today
also went rock climbing with 
andrew and maya and suki
lead my first sport route 
it was amazing

i'm so pooped today
today was a great day

no food in the morning
i only ate a peach and a clementine 90% through the bike ride
and then a nectarine and a plum and some ice cream after rock climbing

lala
i don't think i want to leave this place
i am really going to miss it if I do.


7.3.20
too late to care

rOAR!

i am a ROARing beast!

of just full of adventure

turning in paperwork to get $

and then adventures with alison and logan in
and around a bunch of lakes
trying to fish for dinner

but i swam across the lake and back
and i brought my mountain bike
and just as sun was beginning to set
i embarked on a 10-mile
4-hour long journey
in the moon-lit forest
under the stars

so many moments of belting gratitude for
the divine and pristine beauty
that swallowed me whole

and moments of play with the moon as it rose
sun as it set
waves and lakes and water as it flowed
plants as they filled in the space
flowers that blossomed whole
fields into paintings

i rode harder than i ever have before
the fields of loose rocks and 
obstacles did not stop me and 
my descent
or ascent

two hours in there was no more light from the sun
and so i started to bike in the dark
the transitions between moonlight and 
forested shadow 
often got me

but there were long streteches where
i could just barely make out
the faintest difference in brightness
between the trail and the surrounding woods
and i let my gut 
my heart
feel it out
riding over roots and rocks barely visible
but felt through my bike

a long time ago
we used to navigate in the dark

now we carry light but
don't you miss venturing in the unknown?
connecting to your surroundings through 
subtle perception?

I do

next time come with me.


There were many moments of pause beneath the sky
or dismount to climb unnavigable terrain

one fall, in all four hours...
i went straight over my handlebars
it was pristine cosmic comedy
just as i was thinking of how to 
teach others how to ride in the dark
a large rock pitched me forward,
which was navigable
until another rock
unseen to me
stopped my front wheel

the only lasting injury a blood blister on my left middle finger
how it got there
i do not know.

the fall shook me but
i continued to ride without light
until i repeatedly found myself veering off route
onto other unmarked trails
so the light came out
so i could find my way

with light came vigor and effort,
surprisingly enough.
no longer did timid movements serve me
and i rushed into the night

there was a moment with a small lake
under the full moon
wind blowing right to left
and the glimmers on the surface would tell stories
some stars were born towards the right
slowly they'd drift until they were just under the moon,
weaving in and out of each other in a
luminous wriggling mass
dancing and fighting and loving and moving
until the breeze pushed them too far
and their gravity was no longer welcome
and they'd drift
back to the stardust they came from.

there was a moment under the moon again
overlooking a larger lake and mountain and
i could feel the whole earth beneath me
and the stars above
including ones that flashed briliantly
and i sang love songs to the earth
to the stars to the moon
to life
and i never wanted to leave
until i left.

more of these moments came and went
and i learned to love each of them
without holding on
without questioning moving forward.

it was 2am by the time i got to my car
i tried to sleep in it but i was so cold
so i drove home
and watched the sunrise at lake tahoe
with the geese and the pussywillow
and the waves 
and light

its day time
on the 4th of july now

good night



6.30.20
10.44

today was e p i c
morning chinese
and chats with raeez
to fruit-hunting and 
ROCK CLIMBING

I climbed my first multi-pitch route with James
it was a 3.2 pitch climb
the .2 pitch was really short
it was called
one hand clapping

and then we top-roped another route called
rated x

both were amazing
pushing myself
to be outside more
and grow in ways 
i've wanted to for
y e a r s

it's been at least 10 years since I've wanted to climb outside
and at least 5 years since I've wanted to climb a multi-pitch
and learn trad climbing

soooo here it is
we're growing
and it's awesome

i ate lots of cabbage and a peach and half a cucumber
maybe some earl grey ice cream
watching a pair of lovers try
and ensare fish from donner lake
in their loving lines

I talked to julie and mom and dad today
and krista
about moving onto her friend eric's farm

i sketched donner lake from the start of 
one hand clapping

i am proud of myself today
i love life
and myself
I even danced in the grocery store
DANCED

mmm life is tasty
sweet and slurpy

i want to watercolor that sketch i drew today
so i'mma go do that

much love 


6.23.20
11.50

days gone by to
food and film
and simulated entertainment

so i walk back into my own shadow
in an effort to embrace it
entranced by its dance
irresitable pleasures
in moving that way

lost 
but with awareness
and so i find
the shadow
at its core
afraid of discomfort
desiring everything that
is already known

looking deep within
i find comfort in
the darkness these nights

playing beneath the shrouded stars
i hope to find
my breath
my heart
my birth
a start

but there is only one now
so don't let it go till tomorrow

we didn't get the grant
i painted three pictures today
and read half a book
and danced in the thunderstorm
catching hail in my hands held out
eating the pellets when the sun told me to

people have called me crazy
but i am not crazy,
I am in love
with the universe.

6.21.20
10.12

You need to use your voice
It takes courage to be you

I went mountain biking with Bowen today
and we climbed
and swam
and didn't eat ice cream

i love mountian biking and
swimming in lakes and
climbing on rocks!

I called my dad from donner summit
to wish him a happy father's day
and we talked about what we were thankfull for
from our fore fathers
and from the spirit of fatherhood
and I gave him old memories that I had 
they warmed his heart

Then I talked to keri
all the way home
and it was perfect
talking about relationship
and using our voices
and remembering that there is never 
ANYTHING
to lose 
in using your voice in the moment

it's time to start talking again
I feel so much closer to my self again
i love my self
keep loving me me !

keep loving
loving me!



6.11.20
10.23

the last few days have been hard but
today was a good one

woke up
went for a walk during surise
meditated in the field
came home and played music
talked to paula on the phone
bought some food and made pizzabread
(which i don't want to eat anymore)
watched 'tokyo godfathers', which was great
then listened to pomplamoose and danced/walked my loop

i feel like myself again, it's nice.
there's no pressure here.
looking forward to tomorrow, dan's coming up!
love you josh

6.8.20
11.45

I couldn't have fucking ever imagined
that in 2020
5 fucking years after graduating with a master's degree
i'm still staying up past midnight writing essays that are due the next day
what 
the
flying
fuck

am I
losing
every step
of 
ground
ive
worked
for
these
past
several
years?

am
i
losing
my
self
to
the
tides?

am
i
afraid
of
not
getting
what
i
want
ever?

all stories must end
that's the story I keep telling myself

if you don't like how things are going
seems like it's time to turn around.

you have been straying from your practices
stop waiting for others to guide you
BE YOU

or lose it all.

please josh

i love you a lot.

please don't give up

do the hard things you know are right




5.29.20
10:07

I love the experience of being


alive


there's not really anything else to say

because there's no way else to be




5.29.20
1.10

when i was very young
maybe 10 years old
i had a realization.

it happened in camp, 
the 'mid-island y', it was called
a jewish summer camp 
for jewish kids

and while the camp itself wasn't very religious
no prayers were said, many people didn't keep kosher,
everyone there was jewish.

For the majority of my summers at MIY,
I met a number of people that kept coming back
who became part of a close group of friends
and i gained an identity of this kid known as 'wildman'.

in some ways, this persona gave me what felt like...
popularity, probably for the first time in my life.
At home, in school, i was a nerd.  But in camp, I was popular.
And I noticed how I was treated differently in those two contexts,
but I didn't treat the unpopular kids so well in camp.
In fact, I made fun of the super nerdy kid at camp,
just like the other popular kids.

Everything changed when a new kid came to camp.
He was instantly popular, but also dressed punk, and listened to punk music.
His clothes were ripped sometimes.  He had a piercing.
Something clicked.

He was different.  Looked different, acted different.
Thought different.  Yet - here is a person who is accepted by all.
What made this difference okay, but the nerdy kid's difference not okay?
I examined my experiences within my own family.
Ripped clothes? not okay.
Thinking different? not okay.
Stranger? not okay.
Homeless? not okay.
Practice Islam? not okay.

I looked within the jewish community
at the way they talked about non-jews
'goyim'
and realized that I had been taught to draw lines between 
my self and others based on
what I looked like, 
what I smelled like,
what my skin color was,
what religion i practiced,
what music i listened to,
how i acted,
how i thought,
what i believed in,
the list goes on,
but what i learned is:
I'd thought that I had to fit in to my community
because it was my community, my family, my camp,
and that I had trained myself to blend into my surroundings
to gain the love and trust of those people;
that by blending in, i'd made myself familiar to them,
so they could love and trust me.
BUT
the world is infinitely larger than
the places my family brought me,
the communities my family made me a part of,
and the only thing holding me back from that world
was the idea that I was separate from it.

It was my first year in middle school when everything changed.
I stopped caring about popularity and instead
sought out everything I didn't know.
I made friends with people I would never have talked to before, 
because they seemed to be in a similar space but also
because they were so unfamiliar to me.
I embraced the unknown as if it were my own.
and I will never stop doing so.

Look deeper than the surface
and I promise you,
everyone you see will become your family.
Everything you meet will become you.

We need to stop this 'other' nonsense.
Too many people have been killed.
This experiment has been run hundreds of millions of times.
Killing someone brings no good to the world.
Loving someone does.

People who have black skin
or the wrong genitals
or no homes
or disabilities
or mental health issues
or weapons
or exactly the thing that makes you uncomfortable
are still people
they are still your family
and if you can love them fiercely
this world will be a better place.

Yes, the riots are necessary.
These black people are not being treated equally.
These words have been spoken millions of times.
These institutions still see black people as other.
These white citizens still find fear in black people,
because they see them as other.
These white citizens still wish to see themselves as greater than black people.
These white citizens still wish to see scapegoats in black people.
These white citizens are still racist.

It is enough.
Black people.  I love you.
Cops.  I love you.
Racist white citizens.  I love you.
Everyone.  I love you.
Now, learn to love yourselves and
each other.


5.24.20
4.29

i biked from Brockway to home,
then hiked from home to brockway

something like 7 miles biking
11 miles hiking
2000ft elevation
6 hrs total
i am pooooooped
but tonight's game night

sand to software is a neat idea
I feel like I had another idea
on the trail, but I forgot what it was.

eit.

so far no food today.
just eating an apply now.

also I put the apricots outside!
I hope they like it!



5.23.20
5.23

how is it that
after all these years
all these battles
i am still fighting
the monster that is 
my self

i sit here 
curled and crying
soft 
chocolate pudding on granite
wanting to be held
and supported
and loved 

but i am alone
still

who will hold my anger
and fear
tears

when i am
on my own

nature
mind says
heart a 
hole open to
the breath of wind

remember these caverns?

you spoke of them some time ago
when you thought 'breakup'
carved them into your chest

finally you see
this cavern was here 
long before you ever knew
relationship

in these ancient halls
whispers walk
a strange tongue tickling raw
that which is most intimate to me

won't it stop?
it's painful

it hurts to know
there is a hole
the echoes of my soul
may be heard from

this separation from self
i lament endlessly

each breath a reminder
that im here
theres nowhere else to go

---

i just want to have a close family again
i miss my family from home
i miss my family from science olympiad
i miss my family from instructables
i miss my family from senior house
i miss my family from miters
i miss my family from tep
i miss my family from ecstatic dance

how am i so alone

and why do i keep running from that.

josh you know it's okay to feel this way
josh you know it's okay to want family
josh you know it's okay to be angry and yell and eat poorly and act out.
josh you know it's going to be okay.

---

every time i see a cartoon where there's real close friendship,
or love, or family, or... even just appreciation for others
i cry.
so. hard.
i... just want to feel close to others.
but... maybe...
i... just want to feel close to my self.

4.13.20

these aren't my words
but i love them

-Clean your house. Thoroughly. In every corner.
Even the ones you never felt like, the courage and the patience to play.
Make your house bright and well cared for. It removes dust, cobwebs, impurities. Even the most hidden.
Your house represents you: if you take care of it, you also take care of yourself.
-Master but the time is long.
After taking care of me through my house, how can I live the isolation?
-Fix what can be fixed and remove what you no longer need.
Dedicate yourself to the patchwork, embroider the starts of your pants, sew well the frayed edges of your dresses, restore a piece of furniture, repair everything worth repairing.
The rest, throw it away. With gratitude.
And with the awareness that its cycle has ended.
Fixing and removing outside of yourself allows you to fix or remove what's inside of you.
-Master and then what?
What can I do all the time alone?
-Sowing.
Even a seed in a vase.
Take care of a plant, water it every day, talk to it, give it a name, remove the dry leaves and weeds that can suffocate it and steal precious vital energy.
It is a way of caring for your inner seeds, your desires, your intentions, your ideals.
-Master and if the void comes to visit me? ... If fear of illness and death come?
-Talk to them.
Prepare the table for them too, reserve a place for each of your fears.
Invite them to dinner with you. And ask them why they came from so far to your house. What message do they want to bring you.
What do they want to communicate to you.
-Master, I don't think I can do this ...
-It is not isolation your problem, but the fear of facing your inner dragons Those that you always wanted to get away from you. Now you can't run away.
Look them in the eyes, listen to them and you will discover that they put you against the wall.
They've isolated you so they can talk to you.
Like the seeds that can only sprout if they are alone.


2.26.20
22.22

the same things that inspired me long ago inspire me now
human faces
surrounded by
objects
and
sound
in motion
as one

but...

it's the unsusual
that really tugs at my heart

the
what if

the 
majestic
improbability

that turns
really /anything/
into 
beauty

so move with me
make with me
and bring beauty
to everything again

lets wake up to
that grand movement in life
and let go of
whatever else 
distracts us.


i've wanted to create with you jeff
for as long as I can remember.

and i'm telling you that
today.

I don't mean I want to work on your project.
I mean i want to be creative with you.
it's because I think your work is beautiful
and your mind is beautiful
and you are beautiful
and i want to play.
and if you don't want that, that's okay.


2.8.20
12.39a

The greed i've felt
for so long

desires to
grow larger than
be better 
create something new

have all been motivated
by the lack of connection in my life

i'm sorry to all those i've walked past
and left
to try and find my self


i have not been the best friend
or cousin
or brother
or son
or partner

every time the story is the same
i look at my sefl and say
this is not me

i am larger than this
or smarter
or contribute more
or have larger impact
or more capable
or more powerful
more beautiful
or worse

the people around me are
more beautiful
or more capable
or care more
or are well rounded
or will take me places 
that i haven't been yet
they entertain me
and hep me grow
and 

walking away
from the seeds you've sprouted
is pain

even if you don't like
the way the seedlings have started to grow
you have no idea what they will look like in 10 years
or what fruit they will bear

its unfair to judge the situation as it is
we take time to grow and cahange
and we can grow in the direction 
of light that draws us
even if it changes overnight

theres no need to uproot
or cut your self down
at the trunk

stop making yourself 
do things
to be 'better' in some eway


2.5.20

components of a direction:
the ideal
must be humanistic
and practical


1.14.20

i've been finding myself in 
a lot of 
o l d
habits.

sugar craving
movie watching
social media browsing

disconnecting from self to
engage and take in
what is outside me

in some ways it feels like binging but
also i notice - i'm not filling that
time or space
with my usual habits -
ecstatic dance,
going to people's events,
running around meeting people and
talking to them.

i realize I've shed that in hopes that
i would fill the space with my own creativity but
it seems i am opting to fill that space with 
sugar and film and passivity instead.

so this is a wake-up call

joshua, you came here to
get deeper into your creative side
it's now time to let
that stream flow
whatever it is
however it comes
LET IT OUT

and when typing that I typed
LEW IT OUT

i miss you zeide.

1.12.20
0.43

maybe
we don't need to share
our healing with others

maybe
our healing
is only for
our selves

thank you adi
thank you mune
thank you self

one day
to day
you will be you


12.18.19
8.41

those faces
what we know what we do
where we see what will happen
don't let the sun shine your eyes
turn turkey tails to spirals
our footsteps can fall
where we place them or 
where they are placed

this loving monkey
will last only so long
his wonderous face
and story
and no name or name
takes us to empathy

i ask me
if i had no name
what would i do

i ask me
knowing i have one
how does that change everything

i ask me 
if i only lived for one week
what would it be that happened

and the same knowing
i may be here for
100 years
or more

at what point did I think time became significant

at what point is it better to let it sift through
the space between my fingers
than to struggle wishing to know
where to place each grain

these are the times I live in
my mandalas may contain
vast sections of
disorder and
beauty



12.15.19
1.00

I am so grateful
for the people that are in my life
for Lea and Ruben and Rob and Dany and Prabas and Helen
for Amanda and Cayla and Weseley and David and Jupiter and Claire
and Rachel and Cory and Tyler and Nick and Paul and Kanu and Bailey
and Suzanne and Louis and Kayla and her partner and Destiny and 
this list doesn't end there are too many people to list here
for Amelia
for cedar
for Xiao
for Jessica
for mom and dad and julie
for vi and jonathan and kevin and ken and katrina and kurtis
and all those who i just met today

what a wonderful way to spend the day
i wish i could never sleep and just relive that day again
alas tomorrow is the day i leave
to take my self on my first journey
to reap the harvest i have sown
and go somewhere on my own

thank you for preparing this josh
i am so grateful
thank you for dancing today josh
i am so grateful
thank you for leading group today josh
i am so grateful
thank you for sharing your vulnerable stories josh
i am so grateful
thank you for meeting old friends
i am so grateful
thank you for celebrating your birth with everyone
i am so grateful
thank you for journaling
i am so grateful
thank you for keeping your goal in mind
for continuing to walk the path
for watching as we near the edge and keeping from falling
for remembering that we are the star
and the star is the sun
and we are one
i am so grateful

12.13.19

Happy birthday

yeah let's just cram in
some intention setting for
the year
like

Following our gut
and
Taking care of our body
and
being strong in our own energy - unbendable
and
listening to ourselves
and
letting things go 
and
being more grateful 
and
being more generous 
and
giving back more
and 
sharing more of my self
and 
crying more

i dunno
im pooped
maybe i could take care of myself and go to sleep
but all i want is to be better
perpetually trying
to be better
maybe that's a place i can start

i'm as good as i am.
just keep being me, no more no less, and the good will keep coming
you know what to do josh
you don't have to stretch or push yourself
too hard
or deprive yourself of sleep to get more things in in the day
you can sleep
and live another day
and more things will happen

you just need to choose how you spend your time wisely is all
envision the goal
and start climbing the mountain YOU want to climb
no more climbing mountains for others
or sherpaing
this year, you climb YOUR mountains.
I love you.

12.4.19
1.34

it's super early.  I can't believe it's the fourth already.
My day's been hectic and crazy but also good and awful.
I was accused of being a rapist today and that's on my mind.
Probably shouldn't let it get to me too much, but it's still
a lot to bear.
I feel like i knew I shouldn't have engaged that person again.
I feel like i knew there was trouble there.  Our communication was
precise and spot on in person and suddenly fell apart as soon as
we were separated - misinterpretations and everything.

it feels weird but i'm working on the postcards now
i finally knit a scarf on the knitting machine
now i'm finally printing some watercolor postcards
things are happening
big changes
big ups
big downs

i found a car i liked
i hope my van isn't getting soaked inside
i pray it isn't

it's raining really really hard.


Life's going to be okay.
I am communicative and compassionate and I care about people.
I know my self.  I know that I can navigate this.  I am loved
and appreciated and I deserve that love and appreciation.
I'm in sc and things are full of love here.

Back to reality. 

12.1.19
8.27

new beginnings

I am shedding
this futon
the dresser
my room
my house
my lifestyle

i am drawn to hibernate
and if i wish to follow that call
i will have to fight all the calls to community
to play and be with other
and instead find 
what it is
to be with self.

When I was little, I hated growing up.
I loved to learn, but the transitions i despised
always moving a l o n g   s  l  o  w  l  y
dragging my feet
digging in 
saying
'i live here and now'

but now I find my self
chasing 
change
growth 
and transformation
missing
the deep roots 
i used to grow
the happiness with where i was
the not needing to be anywhere else
and the stillness

this is a good remindsr


on a more worldly note
i am still using food to incapacitate me
i pray that i can move through this.

11.27.19
2:30

someone who can hold me in my anger
		who can hold me in my despair
		who can hold me in my collapse
		who can hold me in my wonder
		who can hold me in my delight
		who can hold me in my ecstacy 
		who can hold me in my insanity

the roles we play for one another

I think that I have to go this alone.
I keep wanting to take care of myself; by myself
I keep trying to do everything on my own with no one's support
but there's nothing wrong with letting the ones who love you help you
I am a little lost
my life is continually changing and i'm going through difficult times
im trying to figure out who i am, and i'm leaving.

i wish i had an uncle iro.
i wish i had a wise one to follow, and to follow me.
a wise one to need me.

HOPE
I thought I was trying to be strong
but now i see i was just running away from my feelings
seeing family together - so full of happiness and love
it reminds me how i feel about my youth, and how i feel about my loves

10.21.19
11.22

I want to get in the habit of journaling again
even if it's only a little bit 
every day
just so that I can check in with myself

because it's nice to check in with myself

An early moring rise
with lazy bed-turnings
reminiscing of a dream
large spiders living in holes in boulders
shoving bile green parasites into the back of our necks
what a strange and terrifying place to be

no breakfast today
but ginger tea and reading

out of the house late, 
doubleknitting on the bus to lectures on the
history of yoga, from jessica

playing with new experiments at work
-testing the tape on the silicone
testing drying in the toaster
playing with time lapse
and anthocyanins

tasty vegan ramen at 1:30p
felt good to go so long without morning eats
intermitent fasting just feels g o o d

schmidt marine fund event tonight
not so eventful
some wonderful projects
the great bubble barrier
some plastics recycling companies
low-cost DIYish marine robotics
a low-cost DNA analyzer!
aaand i met the coral fragmentation guy and got his card and he says
i can come plant some coral with him in the carribbean
that sounds FUN.

mostly wanting to remember that I did scary things and introduced myeslf to 
the speakers and 'important people'
and did so with joy and grace

also kept my boundaries and went home when i wanted to
and gave someone a new fruit day (persimmon)
and made connexions
and saw manyu

at home i played with frisco
and looked for a looper pedal
and paid my credit card bill
and got a package from bubby with a jewish magazine that i may actually read
and one of zeide's old drawings
and some cool old japanese factory swag

then i recorded secrets of the stars and posted call it dreaming
and started learning fever dream
talked to xiao
learned more chinese
and now journaled

some time for a more poetic recital would be nice
in the future
or
just now
the ants crawling up my pea-cocked arm
from yesterdays drawl
butoh spilling out
black and viscous 
obscuring whatever ground we thought we had to stand on
dousing our plumage in
thick slick
sludge


9.27.19
17.47

i feel constipated
not intestinally
just

theres mountains of experience
that i wolfed down
and havent even begin to process

took me till now to realize that I need to let some of all that out
otherwise spending all that energy keeping it inside
will eat me whole
and ill burst


Waking up in a cow pasture was something new.
moo and snort go well with morning dew
trickled sun dripping past the lace clouds
through the shrouding fog
as my new friends peered in
bigger brouwn eyes holding me
'who are...'
'how can i....'
so i self them my love
and sit while we wait 
longing for the warmth of light

i poop next to a lonlely pine sapling and notice 
burrows furry friends must have made
and crouch down in a grass filled streambed
glowing; filled with sun

im out quick, finding a crystal as a look for trash to pick up.
also just for the record.  I know in the kitchen today I said I'd been having a lot of sex and i'm over it.  well... im not over it.  just a bit tired.


9.3.19
23.24

its late but here's a few memories

rocking in a plane at the airport
shaving my head at clark and kates art piece
	and the giant smore
meeting steph and being welcomed by the wind
seeing michaela and michelle
walking down A nude with an erection
drawing with issac and juliene and jason and emma
chapel of the chimes
that kinetic sculpture with eric
getting rubbed down with sunscreen multiple times
pushing someone else's edge by letting them put sunscreen on my penis
jamming in the dome
meeting a couple and encouraging them to write a song about ??? some food thing?
the chaos ensuing losing my hat and headlamp and shirt
the miraculous ways we all entwine
playing the lightdrums with strangers
making out near unpop
photographing the strangers relating their visions in the clouds
seeing visions in the smoke of temple burn
contacting in center camp
digeridoo on a bike

more later


8.18.19
22.03

it's late and I want to sleep but
i miss you
and i keep wanting to send you pictures 
but its harder for me to do that when i'm around people
so please be patient as i get better at sharing my life with you
when i'm also sharing it with others

today was mushroom tacos from a tiny taco stand
ice cream socials in a tiny park 
with older folk and their families 
meeting the neighborhood gang
putting away folding chairs
putting away mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches
listening to the man playing accordion
and climbing that huge sycamore
listening to the deafaning cicadas flee
i missed them so much

nuclear history museums
bombs and bombs and bombs
and shivers down my spine every time i remembered
being in hiroshima.

tasty spicy burgers
and roadrunners painted on trains
and blue haired waiters
and dragons within walls
and variety shows that took me
popped my cherry red face
right up on stage
channeling improvisation
delight
hymor
wit
and play
in front of an audience
twice!

logan came up with we and we pretended to be cats
it was such a pleasure to
be playfully recieved
witnessed
and appreciated

life gave me a taco pool float and more bubbles
popcorn and a million seasonings
danielle put some BART and MUNI stickers on our cars
alison and I looked at pottery in the airbnb and found family pics
there's free ice cream in the freezer and flour in the pantry
im sleeping in the living room and it feel so southwestern and cozy
there's a singing bird clock here
i'm going to meow wolf tomorrow!
i love my life.

and i love you!


8.18.19
22.03

utah

first day

Packing to leave in a hurry
both guitars, the digeridoo
buro's dutch oven
clothes, tent, sleeping pads
breakfast to be eaten for lunch
get on the road, josh

Traffic happens, and i get frustrated
but remember to keep my smiling eyes
gas-up, inflate the already inflated tires
let's go!

On the road, the stereo needs some wangling.
i can sing at the top of my lungs
and still be going 70 miles an hour
and feeling lonely

the familiar roads flow through me
traffic gives me a reason to take some small 
scenic route
where i find almond trees and
people willing to wait for me at intersectons

back on the road with windows down
i find myself rushing
have to make those 6 hours
400 miles
but there's so much to stop and see

coming into tahoe
the butterflies cross 80 in blankets
like black and orange snow-drift
with majesty and wonder
studded with thuds
of those cast to the roadside

i stop and film the casualties of collision
roadkill is still something that triggers me
there are no traffic lights 
or crosswalks
for the animals.

Taking some home for xiao
and sharing the wonder

finally getting to a space where
it feels good for me to share my self with others
not just my voice
or the images
but also my face

i stop soon after truckee by the river
to eat breakfast for lunch
feet swimming freely
till they freeze

a quick photoshoot here
something that feels deeply uncomfortable
the man in front of me is reeling in a fish
and i am taking off my purple hairtie
setting it down on a rock
and capturing images of myself in the beauty that is and surrounds me

self-conscious i put away the camera
to play on the rocks in and out of the water
walking out into the river
in a way that feels brave to me
adventure!
a german shepard sees me and barks.
unafraid i bark back.
im still getting used to my mustache, but i like it
at least partially because you do.
when i put my shoes on the hairtie is gone
but i find it at the bottom of the river
blessed by its waters
i wear it in my hair

one more photo
the epic one
keri calls me about taking the dresser from my room
to give to tristan
and i am frustrated and saddned and i establish a boundary 
so she does not modify my room while i'm gone
and im on my way

The road is long now
landscape beginning to change
stoms come up ahead
rain that turns to hail
just at the fork in the road.

I took highway 50 even though
i wanted to drive through the storm on highway 80
and i was regretting it for at least 30 minutes
seeking comfort i stocked up on food

carrots
broccoli
beet
avocado
bananas
blueberries
tomatoes
big watermelon
small watermelon
corn tortilla

in this tiny town
i was scared about my mustache and long hair
but didn't get too many dirty looks
everyones wearing black clothing with
powerful motifs like eagles and wolves and crosses
leather boots
jeans
cowboy hats

took me a minute to find my comfort
and maintain my play

as I'm leaving town I keep having difficulty pulling into gas stations
there's this feeling
where i plan to do something
and as the opportunity comes about
i hesitate 
and miss my mark

usually it's because
something... doesnt quite feel right about it
or some inner conflict
about whether i need to keep going or
whether i can take the time to pull off
this is a common theme in the next 4 days
and in my life...

Soon out of town there's some petroglyphs by the roadside
grimes point and hidden cave
1000 2000 7000 years old
different styles 
ways of making our marks
showing our presence
prominent pecks and deep gouges that
pocked the rocks like sponges
patterned lines that made them rough as radula
expressive images evoking emotion without realistic representation

things get closer as they get newer

more images of myself with the drawings of people long passed
but i felt close to them as i meditated there in the shade
back to the cool black rock face.

Something called me back to the van
and I wrote a song
and xiao and I talked on the phone
and I played the song for her
and wrote another song
and loved how proud I was to play for her
and how appreciative she was of my song
so she gave me energy to keep going
and pay attention to my inner child
and promise it some love
but persevere in my goal
so i went on to get closer to my goal

pushing hard, so many times I wanted to stop by the roadside
on a long salt flat people had gotten out of their cars
to draw things in the mud
by placing rocks to spell out their love
or spiral

and soon after another excitement
sand mountain
the great white rattlesnake winding up 
into the bossom of the mountains
singing as the wind howls
and i got so close to it
only to turn back thinking
'i don't have /time/ for this right now'

and I was right
i pulled into austin just before sunset
hungry and kind of confused i found the silver state
with a very real older woman who ran and cooked in the joint
i ordered grilled cheese awkwardly and waited
i didn't know how to interact with her
she was so real
and i was too scared to be myself in those moments
another older woman walked in asking for some coffees
and proceeded to have a conversation with the owner
when i realized that they were both just owning themselves and not pretending
so i stopped pretending and let out my joyous silly connecting self
reached out to this woman and shared humour and stories and adventure
by the end of it, she showed me how strange the diagonal crosswalk was
and told me that I should keep being me
that i was a wonderful joyful person
so i was flattered
and bought banana hemp heart cookie
and watched the sun set from a pull-off
and found myself on a forest service road in a cow pasture
camping for free amongst the clouded stars
instead of in a campground.

for one moment
as i was grounding and praying to the moon
the clouds cleared
and through them I saw a shining
sagitarius.

life is beautiful
and i'll tell you all about the next day soon.





8.16.19
9.57

it's been a while
to say the least

i feel that ive
forgotten to water my plants
and they are beginning to run dry

so it's time to tend my garden
of pasted words
sprawling out over
this landscape of 
ephemeral tapestry

also to literally water my plants
because my fern may be sad in its new spot

things have changed
i lost a dresser
and gained a friend
lost some patterns
and gained resolve
lost some hair
and gained clarity

the moon has filled
the sun is blaring
and i am nearly collapsed in the surf
tumbling as my plans crumble
no art. no car. no self-reliance.
i learn this over and over.

what do you have today?

love.

is that enough?

love.

i might say i've found a hammer so everything looks like a nail.
but i think i just remembered that i take my heart with me everywhere i go.
body too.

deep breath here.
take in all the love you need.
and let out everything you thought you needed.
they're gone now.
those stories and hopes and dreams that revolved around
completing some task or sharing some image or 
becoming someone who did something

gone.

All thats left is the heart you hold out
for others to catch
the love dripping
and arms for
embrace.

so stand tall among your pile of things
amassed over the last weeks
and watch them all turn to trash right before your eyes
the fouling of fruit
the withering petals 
that once attracted you 
brown and
sour like your 
wrinkled face
in its disgust

so love the wrinkles
and love the sour scent
and love the colors faded
and the trash on your floor
and the path that led you there
beacuse without the love
you forget that the disgust
is just another story
that brings you further
from your own heart.


There's a lot to write about my trip to utah,
and the way things have been going with xiao
and more.
but im going to go water my plants.



8.4.19
10.36

a drawing

The swan

The tiger

The phoenix

waking up in a new home, skipping to my feet to make dance
contact class
no time to shower
exhausted
first ones into church
dance is a lot today
but contact with ahmad and tue were beautiful
and hangs with tonga

my brow just flinched
this pressure is new
something is changing here
its like im about to open my eyes for the first time

remember not what you have done
but what you are doing

find the silver light of the moon
and with it cut loose from your stories
patterns
you dont need them anymore

tonight, i hold you humbly, tenderly
tomorrow i will let you go

turn back toward the earth
to find life again.





8.4.19
1.00

an expedition

painted spots on jun's van
found my way to golden gate park
lived a dream playing didgeridoo in the tunnel
spent a couple hours with my sister and meagan
saying good bye
eating chips
living together
learning together
i'm going to miss having my sister around.
we're not so different, even though we are.
the sense of unwavering support will be missed.
ask megan for her phone.

katya's not at chaortica
no one i know is here yet
but many new lovely people are
feeling a bit dreamy, disconnected
i play the first song
ethan and hannah and xiao walk in
i land.
more music
poetry
people leave
digeridoo piano duet with ethan
people come
bisi is incredible
redemption song
i come alive and pass around shakers and cowbells 
so we can all make music together.
i miss jam nights.
i play some more
and mess up a bit
and turn beet red and sweat
and begin to learn that
it's okay to play the wrong notes in front 
of strangers.
hannah wants to take a walk

digeridoo goes home
the expedition begins
BUBBLES
BUBBLES DOWN THE HILL
Ethan likes to run
	for a little while
our captain helps us navigate
she tells us to call her by her first name
'hannah'
we're on a footship
we learn what its like to not navigate using the ultrasonic drive
it's slow
when after its back on we find the chinese immersion school
and a man with screwdrivers in front of his red boat
and an inflatable raft on a huge treeship
ethan is taken aback by its magnitude
and falls overboard
so we use the life preservers for the first time
he catches a hold of a bubble or two and makes his way back to the ship
we all climb aboard the treeship
it's tall, from it we can see many things
a garden of 2100 plants
a playground
more treeships
the cracked pavement
caused by something i can't recall
and fog
there's a discarded pen in the raft
so we use it to warn newcomers 
'beware cracked sidewalk'
and xiao experiences some unwanted attachment
between the raft and one of her butts.
the sap is sticky
but at least it smells good.
we leave the nonconsentual raft
in search of something with more sustinance
the nistertium come about; i pluck some for the crew
two go down our hatches,
the captain takes one as a pet on her collar
ethan finds its 14 fuzzy fingers
and we wonder what they'd be like to stick up 14 nostrils
the california lavender smells as expected
the trees curve into their loving wind
a tree named 'friend' stands tall and pointy over
adam's staircase
captain leads us down
xiao claims to also be named friend
and know adam
he's tall
but no one else does.
the bubbles find their way up
up and up and up to the top of the stairwell
ethan steers straight into the wall
'classic' 
and is revealed to have invented the move in the 90's
we are relieved that we have a talented actor on board
incase of boredom, a cardboard box can turn him to an actor on
'this new hit show, starring ethan's ego'
xiao will do special effects.
the winds shift
the bubbles are floating forward now
we can see captain's workplace
protreto hill is where the warmth is
we continue to the castro.
captain says it's a lot of work to be captain
i suggest democratic election
rewind.
ethan stages a coup
I say, 'I do'.
we're married to our new captain
and find a vibrant blue and red house with violent violet vine flowers
we walk funny, skipping down the hill
what will we eat?
captain feights decisionmaking
xiao knows of a szechuan destination
the hot dog place is good for a quick bite and is a favorite of xiao's
the castro theater is a good place for a movie and is a favotire of muffin's
we find slurp ::slurp::
tonkatsu veggie ramen
featuring: /tofun/
but we move on.
the window with the dolls
trans/gay/black/women's/nudist's rights
touching fingers with doorbells (a two-some and a three-some)
spider encounter #1
more potential sappy business, but our hand fits in the tree hole.
we continue the expedition.
xiao navigates well.
we find the beautiful tree and plant raft in the window.
seed pods and flowers and vines and moss.
we take form as onebody and navigate the seas of sidewalk
obstacles and narrows don't hold us back
we flow through like water
until we find
MAMA JI's.
the wait is long.
the tantrum pressure builds.
sometimes you lose nice things.
sometimes you find them.
tears are shed.
hugs are given.
we outlast the tantrum pressure
and eat the best meal of my month.
feeding each other
hearing stories from home and college 
family and relating games and burning man
next year.
left handed tofu grabbing
lots of cuddling while eating
every meal needs more cuddling and feeding and serving.
hannah loves eggplant and peppers.
xiao loves mushrooms and fungus and greenbeans and i think im forgetting one
xiao has no favorite colors but wears white
ethan loves all the vegetables
we finish all the food
and breathe together
and sigh together
and pay $18 each
and leave mama ji with love
and full bellies.
the return mission begins
now in a starship
led again by hannah
we go /up/
slowly, smelling the tree flowers along the way
finding secret stairwells - the universe in a rainbow
picturs of our powers
bubbles and leaves
sheep-skin seats and garden caretakers that think they can't support us all
succulents stolen, sleeping people displaced, rants about the mans work
second spider encounter
and another friend-like tree.
finding sweet Daphne and her attempted illegal felling
her flowers finding their way into my beard
through xiao's fingers.
curved staircases
sandy and winding parks
the river flows under this hole
another secret staircase
green pinecones and foggy dystopian lights
crawling evergreens and purple blooms
the massages are useful to us both
its dark up here
and foggy
we cant even see far
the lights trying to cut through.
the glowing alien succulents come to us
and we arrive at my van.
part ways with hugs and sound, 
stretching invisible threads between us.
my van won't start
but with love and patience it does.
i drop you off.
and write all this.
now, i rest.


7.9.19
11.00

Firefly

theres a lot in here
and im tired
and my eyes are crinkly in that painful dry way
when i'm tired but i know i need to stay up and do something

so here i am
trying to journal about
everything thats just happened

intentions to stay centered
to express myself vocally
do find the places and conversations that are scare to have
and to engage in them

sure, admitting that was met with some friction
the more time i spend away from others pushing in that direction
the less i feel that direction is valuable
but i know it helps me in the long run
because those who aren't pushing in that direction
either already are able to express themselves
or dont have a need to
there are so many ways to be
i get to choose the one i am
right now, it's exploring expression

comfortable rides with connie
theres love and appreciation there, for me
i feel comfortable and welcome
also a deep intensity and mystery
i know i do not know connie
our eye gazes have shown me that, and im open to meeting her more

the first night i expressed some sexual desires
in company of friends
and we followed them
and it was beautiful
playing in physical and sexual energies with masculine and femenine
i neednt arrive
but i was so happy to see both of these friends enjoying themselves
knowing that i could contribute to that
that i could help in that
and not fear
bliss

i met some beautiful people
live - a goddess of play and nature
sacred dances in christmas town
peppermint oil massages
the way of the stick
yoga increes naked streamside
and letting go
every time we parted
like waves crashing into the shore
and receeding back into the ocean
no strings attached
all in flow

breathing
treating my body right
not pushing myself
enjoying pause when i needed it
taking space with the sky
noticing my triggers around paula
and some of my friends
and those i am attracted to

finally talking to raven
expressing that love bubbling
through thank you cards and art
felt good
even if she is way too young
crossing no lines
just letting it out in a safe way

playing in the ball pit 
getting closer to anvita
finding exquisite joy in silly games
wearing outrageous clothing and feeling empowered

juumping on the butoh train based on intuition and desire
what a fucking beautiful experience
learning so fucking mush in so little time
leaving lasting impressions on our onlookers
so grateful to have been a part of that

i still dont know who or what i am 
but i know i dont have to be afraid every time paula asks that
time is passing
and im still floating
and thats fine
i'm walking long down this path
far, far away from anything she is familiar with
and i can own that
her interest doesn't matter
my love and support do
lets let go

i wrote so much at temple
intending to let go of a lot
core
michelle
melissa
esther
lou
and i screamed loud
and it was good
but
fuck  i still have so much more to let go of
im still not sure i let go of core
im ashamed to admit that i miss being intimate with her
and i miss having an intimate partner
i desire that so much.
its nice to know i know how to act on love and excitement's behalf
theres a part of me that worries that if i dont wait long enough
i will end up missing my connection with the right person
but this is a fear
what if there is no right person
what if my desire for intimacy with another is a projetion of 
desire for intimacy with myself
or
desire to not feel like i have to be intimate at all
back in camp, masturbating just to be cool
i'm so sorry i did that to you. jouh

tonight I yelled at my parents with their permission
i told them i had a desire to be listened to
i told them i had a desire to release anger and be held in that
and then i let it rip
talking down to them, yelling at them, and they held space for that.
in many ways i can't believe it happened
but they were supportive in helping me express my anger
and for that i'm so grateful.

spent all of today cleaning my room.  will do so tomorrow too.
i need to get our of here soon
but i'll figure that out later. 


6.26.19
1.04

getting to bed late
art strangers in washington square
back pain massage
ecstatic dance 
a conversation with dad
oatmeal with mom
yoga with dad
drawing and painting and playing on processisng

getting to bed early
walks with lori
dinner with family
swimming with taz
walking with mom
'the neighborhood is so different when...
...i'm not depressed'
playing with kitty
holding chichi

lots went by
life view has shifted
burning man freedom begins
to bleed into
the rigid cracks of this
monolithic maze
from dance drips lightness
freedom
finally.

with care
we can be playful
with hope
constructive
with love
vulnerable

I'll show you my way
if you'll show me yours.

everything is maleable
there are not many hard fast rules
know what to ask for
give when possible

desire is a tricky thing.

talking to dad was big.
we moved in and out of his work situation.
we talked about steps in the direction he wants to go
we talked a little about leaps.
but also...
we found his complacency
chocolate pudding pool
getting in the way
of him being where he really wants to be
not only with work
but also with community
and maybe in another place as well.
when he said he felt angry/frustrated that he was still working at his job
i could have asked 'what would it look like to express that anger now'
and it might have dropped things a bit deeper.
but i am happy with the way the conversation made me feel like i knew him better
made me feel closer to him.
thanks dad

dance is weird. 
life is weird.
i keep running into that girl.
she makes me feel unsafe 
like my actions may trigger something in her
that she cant take care of herself
today she just took my brush pen without asking.
i didn't say anything because I was worried.

Things are changing here.  
I asked someone if I could feed them a grape
they let me
then we danced
they said it was their favorite dance of the night.
danced with a few others too.
and had a crush, who had a girlfriend.
made a new connection who might come to firefly now

damn. 
so much in flux.
so much changing.
keep yourself healthy.
give yourself enough sleep.
let's go to bed josh.
love you.
stay in your own heart, because that is where 
center
and
love
resides.

10.10

thinking about owen trueblood
a robot that begins a painting arbitrarily,
randomly almost,
and then begins to hallucinate objects into the painting.
This feels very much like what I do.
perhaps more loosely trained.



6.21.19
10.48

finally resting
letting go of 
seeing amanda
and anne and nikki and julie

letting my legs lax
breathing

maybe it's time i find my way
into my own space
and patterns
making room first for myself
and in time
for more

i'm sorry i've chased waterfalls
they're so exciting
i'm sorry i've looked for peaks
they're so alluring and visible
an obvious goal to reach
so tangigle and static
but coming down off them i see
that life is in the river bend
on the time-manicured lawn
from which the birch and oak grow.
its here we plant our seeds
lay at the sun
grow our trees
harvest our fun.

I love you, joshua.
It's time to grow into that again.


I have this feeling
that I once promised the universe
that i was going to do something great
and i wanted it blessings and help
so it made me really smart
and gave me good grades
and got me into mit
and gave me so many resources
and when i got up to bat
i failed to swing.

i feel like i made this promise many times.
and failed to swing many times.

strawberry lemonade skies
sift
light
through
your
long blonde hair.
passing fingers
into marshmallow stairs.
i don't know what i'm doing
can't tell where this leads
blinded by my own eyes
distracted by my own heart
hmmm freeze.
start anywhere they say
begin to mull
see what sights may come
feel what feelings may come
undone
and as your pace quickens
you may begin to find 
the center of the line
and the way it leads
unwraveling over time

and i'm in new york
so pizza i'll eat
but it's not the garlic salt
or chili flakes
or anchovies 
on which ill treat
no, it's not pepper
or potato,
or pineapple or ham,
pepperoni, mushrooms, artichoke, or spam
but it's the time that'll put
on my crispy cheese 
it's the time that reminds me
when on my hands and knees
i can feel the earth pulsing
body breathing with ease
i can feel my heart beating 
see gaia's spires and trees

When i'm here, with this earth
the time, it flows free
between I and U, 
and the cloud, and the flea
here nothing needs doing
its so clear to see
since we are how we are
we can be how we be

it's here i'm shown our place
underneath the stars
knowing we are here to do more
than build bridges, houses, and cars,
for the love within us weaves
a web for us to start.
making connection, holding space
for each other in our hearts.



6.19.19
10.17

packing for the east coast
listening to radical face

there are some parts of you that i can't let go of
i dont want to forget
the way things happened
the hearts we held

thank you for continuing to know me laura


I dont really want to pack.
I know the time will pass quickly
because i don't want to be here in it.

That feeling in my throat
slimy
slippery
dry
like a river of flour
salted to dessicate
something is off
something is not supposed to be here.

I'm packing this up now.  It's time to close.



6.13.19
1.06

another late night

I am open to love, connection, and desire
I am open to my own love, connection, and desires
I am open to being loved, connected with, and desired

I know how to dance like shiva and shakti
but I intend to practice the grounded, centered dance
stand securely and hold the space
and see who will come to fill it

I wish to express myself more
to stop holding my self back
to hear my desires and voice them
and own them
to recognize that my desires like my needs and expressions
are beautiful in their own way
that my attractions and interests
are nothing to hide
they draw me to what resonates

Thank you for the encouragement kevin
this night i will not forget.





6.12.19
1.13

what am i doing here
again
stuffing things in
to suppress what needs to come out

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
fuuuuck this
SO MUCH FRUSTRATION
SO MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING AND
I FEEL STUCK IN A CAGE
IN MY BODY
IN THIS WORLD
IN SOCIETY
IN A FUCKING PLAY THAT DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE

I DONT KNOW WHICH WAY TO GO
WHAT TO DO
WHO TO BE

I feel like i'm back in patagonia
i feel the oak trees
and the mountains
the streams 
and the leaf littered hills
i feel such timeless presence
and yet
its so fucking familiar
i do not revel in it
rather i realize
this feeling needs not setting
or beauty
but just the willingness to be where i am

and yet i feel the flip side of this
the fear of being where i am
the unwillingness to accept my path
the discomfort of growing pains
the need to keep pushing forward

but what is this feeling
that everything i know
is just a story
that all the understanding
is just mind grasping at thin air

the faces skin
over flesh and bone
hiding truth underneath
soul and substance
connection and consciousness

i want to vomit my entire history
i want my story to come out in bile
the pain
the suffering
the knowledge
the experience

i want to let it all out
to find something new
something less certain
and let what is outside
move what is inside

i keep trying to forget
but maybe that is the wrong way
maybe forgetting 
and losing
and giving away
and running from
isn't the way forward

maybe it is an attempt to find a way backward
so it is no use

the only way forward is 
to keep writing
the endless story
of time.

fuck.
why must I write forever
there is so much good in the world already

there felt like a time
where i wrote ahead of the wave
but i became lazy
tired
frustrated
confused

i lost direction
lost certainty
opened
in a way that i couldn't understand before
saw my self moving
saw my footprints
my tracks
my trash
the pain i had caused

there must have been a better way
so i hoped 
that if i stood on that hill
one day i would see it
the better way

but the forests dont stay still around here
the trees uproot
rivers wind and spill
winds rage
rocks crawl

and from up here all i can see
is that i like to find the patterns
bebcause they feel
as if i understand
when in reality
they are projections of the hopes of my ego
neatly packing up the chaotic world around me
into boxes

ive lost my leadership
lost my footind
and found cowardice in the high position
waiting for the right wave on the sea cliffs
instead of in the ocean

Im rusty now
but ive done enough watching
its time to practice catching waves again
because each one that crashes
is an opportunity to learn 
lost




6.5.19
22.41

Writing a poem
in the kitchen's view
sinking
under
a pillow
blue
into a poof
with a puff of air
let it out
boy
just be
there

today was a wonderful day.
soulplay tomorrow
i am stOked


6.1.19
3.11

REBIRTH
Welcome, new month
welcome, new life

something is different today
and i wont be so vague
i'm not looking away coyly
i'm not pretending to not know what it is anymore
my fingers know this keyboard
my chest knows its breath
my smile its face
eyes their space

i am here 
embodied and poised
to take my position


the eggshells come into focus
i can feel the albumen
wet all around me
swimming
and i can touch the walls
but this time
they dont seem so thick
this time
they are just a shell

heart centered and eyes shut
smiling cheeks that may never tire
tasting presence
sipping nectar through the hummingbirds straw
as the clock ticks it reminds me
to taste each moment just like the last
and we try going forwards
and try going back
and try making mistakes
and try taking them back
and its all golden and shining
and its all cold and black
because the love isn't in what's beautiful
the love in in all; the love is in that

so take those cages from the yard
and the shackles from my wrists
and the chains we wrapped around them all
to keep us safe from this
and throw them in the melting pots
feel that fear wash over
tickling your whole
tingling white hot lightning
melting frozen emotion
we kept in our selves

feel the bubbling love
feel the fear wash back
feel the space all around us
feel the shell start to crack

let the warm air rush in
the light touch all it sees
the way from the bottom to the top
is the way of the tree

take another turn
tell yourself its wrong
and laugh again and again and again
as you listen to another song

freckles on your face
filled with fire and stone
play tones that no ones traced
all around your dome

and the skill isn't in 
the place where its been
in the artifact or marble tract or 
laced up grargle spats

it's underneath the lions den
tucked away
tumbled in
twin claws grasping
twin snakes wrapping
twin sugars winding
twin twigs twining

the vines dont wrap the stem
the minds dont think
"hi, i'm lost, where did you go"
you've learned the language!
now let it go!

play the flute
speak in tongues
laugh for anger
kiss your guns
play in fire
dance in death
squeal with desire
see with breath
taste in torture
quiver in light
lap at concrete
hide from delight
quell at darkness
map your toes
long for brevity
eat your woes
bat for giveness
tank the sun
work another way
work for fun


take the pain i feel at my center, for example
its raw
and solid like stone
a coal losing its flame
an ember far from home
finding
another
diggin it, it
notices the 
smallest bit of tinder
upon with it might grow
and feeding it bit by bit
my love i can show
so it takes to the space
and fills it with warmth
so i find myself here
comfortable and sated
eyelids weighted
breath faded
ready for a pause

my life is so fucking good.
i love my self so much.




5.21.19
17.12

something about the in-between
the space that comes
long after you've started
down the path
when the journey has become home

staircases calling
slide down belly first
forget your size
remember your play

cats whisper
rooms creak
the wind delivers its mail

right before the finish line
endless calm
one goal
no effort

maybe ill stay here for a while
watch a few others finish first
barrelling headfirst through 
let wind chill my sweat
tickling folicles 
to catch my breath and wait

let it all go
no goal
no effort

wake up
and start dreaming



who are you
dale cooper?





5.19.19
13.35

"I have 52 weeks to do something wonderful"
Somehow, after leaving the heavy snowstorm,
sun soaked golden hills and saturated clouds said that to me.

We're back again -
to big heart filled smiles,
laughter that shake the seats,
confidence hiding dynamic ecstacy as stone.

So it all comes back -
the coughing fits and shortened breath
that i once was afraid of.
Hearts held and broken
after months long journeys
with warm smiles still welcome.
The wondering who,
when, where, how?!
Hintedly knowing maybe - me.

Turning tables on their side.
What wonder I can hide behind.
slipt snow splats shatter
views from behind the wheel.
the broken road is good.




4.30.19
23.16

Some project ideas I want to put here:
	look into weaving spaces in SF to make escher textile
	brainstorm with sam about large scale collaborative artworks
	synth please!
	interest in working on the container... again??  
		but this time with more gumption!
	interest in outfitting a van!

blah, good enough for now

i had a nice day today
i got love from a good friend of mine in the form of
rolling around on the grass
and making up facts about
how inanimate objects reproduce
and having consentual but unsafe tantric foot sex
in public (playing footsie)
and sharing time with one another

and it turned my whole week upside down
to feel that much kinship 
and love
in reciprocal

someone asked me what friendship was for today
i think that is the answer.

now if i could only remeber that
that love is always inside me
then 
i would be so full of love
i would forget what its like
to be without someone who loves me

hug

i love you

tomorrow morning tell yourself you love yourself
eat well all day tomorrow
take yourself for a walk
and remember - even if everyone else doesnt have room in their heart for you
i always will
<3




4.20.19
1.37

There is something much larger than anyone of us can see happening.
The stories of daily life are so encompassing that they are difficult to see out of.
Yes - each of us writes our own stories
Each spins our own web.
and the webs together weave a fabric
and the fabric is beautiful as it is
but it will tear itself apart if we continue to weave this way

this isn't a message about how society is evil
or how capitalism is wrong
or about inequality
or destruction of environment
or climate change

this is a message about how each and every one of us
is responsible for our own strand
of the web that we are weaving
and how none of us have ever faced the situation we are experiencing
nor stepped back long enough to 
see the patterns 
and consciouslly form new ones
together.

one thing that
we keep claiming
makes us special
is our ability
to form plans

and yet - our cities 



4.17.19
11.03

More to process

The last week has been rough.
I haven't been listening to myself.
Or taking care of my self.
'Get back on the horse', dad says.
And Intellectually I know its as easy as that
but it doesn't feel that way
especially when theres no one around to help me
climb back on
except
there are
so many people
in my life 
that love me
and support me
and will help me get back on the horse

its time to stop commiting my energy to other people
and to start committing to my self.
in an effort to get closer to standing in my own being
to bring myself to a place where i can give without feeling loss
be blown by the wind and not uprooted
be struck by blows and not shattered

there was a lot of vulnerability today
there was a lot of fear of hurting others today
there was an increase in self love today
there was an increase in physical activity today
there was an increase in eating lots of 
	almond butter
	chocolate
	and raisins
there was support from keri
	in taking a vow of not holding onto crushes
	and acting from a place within my own being
	not worrying how i impact others
	especially those i am attracted to
but i am so interested
	in what it is that makes me act differently
	arount those people
	certainly fear of rejection
	though i know that wouldn't be so bad
	but also a desire to
	keep things as they are?
	so perhaps they won't go away?
	deep down i think im looking for a partner
	and i know thats fine
	but i also know im not ready for that yet
	im just impatient and craving intimacy
	but that's okay
	and i can hold that wanting
	as longing
	and sit
	still

i wrote my first song today
but i couldn't record it well
maybe tomorrow

i watched 'i <3 huckabees' and loved it
it was beautiful to see the mix of philosophies and pwerspectives
all working together to unfold
the mysteries of what it means
to try and understand 
	something
	anything
	everything
it was such a delight to relax and watch this existential drama unfold
the cold analysis against the warmth of feelings
the comedy of a tragic cycle
cracking the facade
showing the strength of inner truth and centeredness

i went to bailey's new t-group, called self expression in connection
i felt timid and self judgemental at first
and was then triggered by not being able to express myself multiple times
	maybe this comes from sitting at the dinner table
	with dad and zeide
	listening and not being able to speak
but finally had the opportunity to share joy and enthusiasm
and warmth and excitement
and watched the whole group light up
people tell me over and over
i have a light to me
a warmth to me
a soft, gentle, kind, loving soul
and today
i think i will allow myself to believe that too
that i do like to exude that energy
My ego was tickled when I meantioned dating my self
and people resonated or found it interesting or insightful
that my body language resonated within them - hugging myself
that they were curious what i meant
and how its been
and where its got me

id say that i unintentionally took a break from dating myself
for the last few days
but i can confidently say now
that i am back
and here to love myself

tell infinity the intention to release and forgive all drama related to past relationships
and mention this self-sabotauge related to making sure others are okay
tomorrow you get to jam with caitlin in public!
enjoy the busk!  don't get flustered!
you're going to love it!
take care of yourself tomorrow
do yoga if you can
dont fret about missing out
follow your heart and body and where it needs to go
if that isn't either of the 'options' don't fret
theres no need to follow any paths.
keep centered and be your authentic wonderful self
thats all you have to do tomorrow
and if you slip up, its okay
i love you
dont ever forget that


4.11.19
10.40

Dreams

Along a coastline. 
Cool sea breeze and warm spring sun give the green rolling hills a bright glowing hue. 
Houses with red tile rooves stud the ridges.  
My thoughts pour in over a loudspeaker embeded in my heart:
	Emily -
	I dreamt about you last night
	You were sitting on the edge of your bed
	on a cliffside
	looking over the memories you made here
	floating in the charles river
	drifting out to sea
	and a tear you made
	lept from your cheek
	to join them
I felt my heart hold itself tight
bracing for break
I wondered - are you alright?
So I'm  writing you this email
typing on empty hands
fingers poking air
sitting in solitude
on a wing in the sky
asking - is there anything I can do for you?
as i sit with you and cry

My wing collapses and I wake up facing Paula.
'Josh!'
She's in her clown suit in a room with high ceilings and matte blue walls.
The sun is adding its warmth to the cool as i come into my smile.
'Paula!'
Pretending like I am where i'm supposed to be,
like I know what's going on,
like I know how I got here,
I just stare and hold my joy.
'Well, do you like it?!'
'Like what?' I think to myself.
Looking around I see some paintings at the long end of a hallway.
My vision is still blurry, but a familiar feeling overwhelms me.
echos of radical face pass through my head, transporting me to the 2nd HNC
'Alison's paintings!'
Paula raises an eyebrow at me as if i'd done something wrong,
'No Josh - are you blind?  It's the senior haus murals!'
Gliding through the threshold i find us in a maze of paintings
my perspective has shifted overhead, but i still feel my body
'Paula!  Its wonderful!'
There's a tireswing in the center of the labrynth,
which exits the surrounding building and leads outdoors.
'I haven't felt this home in 5 years'.
'Welcome home, Josh.'
I wake up.

I have developed 3 new crushes in 3 days.
This keeps happening.
Over and over.
I am attracted to someone - physically or their image or the way of their being
and then I get stuck and don't know how to behave around them
or interact with them
and i get lost in them
over fear of losing that interaction
or not being able to connect
or excitement in perhaps finding some kind of partner
and i don't know what to do about it
other than let go
and walk my own path
and love myself.
Sometimes, when i cross paths with a stranger that feels like 
a kindred spirit
or even a soulmate
my excitement, i worry, drives them away.
I wish i could play it cool
that i didn't have so much love and joy and energy
pulsing in my veins
bottled up
yearning to be shared.
I am scared to offend the other.
Maybe its time to let go of that fear.
share the excitement.
if it scares them away, it's okay -
at least I am being true in my own self.
Or maybe just let them go entirely,
don't bother with the approach 
or the feelings
just breathe
center
be.




4.7.19
22.35

Growth

theres been a lot of it.

i can see myself shedding
	habits
	thought patterns
	lifestyles
	ideas
	relationship dynamics
	preconcieved notions
	expectations
	hopes
	fears
that aren't helping me become
me

but also i can start to see how
things like my
	van
	living situation
	employment status
	casual friendships
	structured relationships
may begin to no longer serve
to keep me on my path

and so it seems
that there is room for me to grow
in shedding that
which isnt
me

yet
there are new habits coming
that may help me
like fully moving in to my spaces
	effortfully filling them with me
	turning them into my own
	each time an opportunity
	to experiment and find out
	what space i live in
like voicing my opinion
	effortlessly and effectively and unabashadly communicating
	how i feel in the moment
	in whatever company
	and owning it as mine
	then
like not eating
	when i am full (esp. late at night)
	and knowing that food will be available
	if i am hungry
like keeping track of
	and setting sights on
	the things that excite me 
	and help me live the way
	i want to be living
	and loving
like letting go
	and surrendering to possibilities
like reaching out
	and asking for what i want
like loving myself
	and allowing myself to have
	and do
	and go
	however it is i want
and probably more
	which i can keep track of
	but not right now

this weekend was a lot
but mostly
it was me seeing
that i can provide myself with happiness and content
in many situations
find my own adventures
help my friends
walk away from things that tempt me
push myself to improve even when exhausted
fill a new role
listen to learn
be humble
find the right mindset at the right time and place
surrender

i hitchhiked from a small rural street near the yuba river
all the way to lake tahoe
i met some beautiful people and dogs and a horse along the way

i rode my first chute at squaw - 'the nose' and it was terrifying
within a second of beginning descent
	tunnel vision
	paralyzing fear
	overwhelming speed
	complete surrender
if there was a rock in my way i would have crashed
there was a bush in the way but i jumped over it
the experience shook me for half an hour
but i moved through it and proceeded to jump off another rock or two.
growth.

spending time with bowen and his family is great.
i am very grateful for that friendship

i got to pet a black cat that reminded me of errol for a long while in the woods
what wonderful
morning moments

theres much more to write
but this webpage is not the place to share it

my life
in its essence
tends to
seek out discomfort
at least partially
to share it with others
and tell us
'it is okay,
to feel uncomfortable;
good - even'
i cant help but wonder
if there is something
lurking
deep
underneath
that motivation

love yourself, and learn that others may love you too
put energy into that which you love
	let it grow into what you guide it to be
know what you want to be responsible for
	and that its okay to not be responsible for the hard things




3.27.19
23.55

I'm proud of myself today
and yesterday

promised my self physical activity
practiced yoga
walked three hours
climbed two 40' trees
biked 5 miles
bouldered 3 hours
i did physical activity

today was a break day
but i woke up in time for bagels
met joannalyn
	who is a new friend
	and collaborator
	in stitching together
	science and spirituality
got clamps
played with the knitting machine
made music with caitlin
	solidified the water and like gold and still life blues and needle and the damage done
	wrote the song about home
	and the little jam interlude
	talked about purple rice
spoke with tonga on tanzania's water company needs
	and how to feasibly help her copy a user feedback system
	from one company to another
	and got closer
read on tantra
drew a rose
spent time with joe and tom and ransom and okie and grace
biked 5 miles
hot tub with keri and david under the stars and blasting clouds

its nice to journal even a little bit

i saw a skunk on the way home and followed it down the block
when it turned the corner it disappeared, 
so i asked a man on a bike if he saw it
he pointed across the street, then timidly
'hey bike brother'
'can i ask you something?'
'yeah, sure - what's up?'
'i don't mean to bother you but'
i know what's coming.  it breaks my heart, but i know he will ask for food
'im looking to buy a meal for my wife and i'
she's not around, but i have some trail mix that bubby sent me in her package
'i have some food for you if you'd like'
'Yeah that would be great'
'what is it?'
'I've got dates and trail mix'
'trail mix will be fine'
I give it to him and wish him a good night, he tells me to bike safe
so thanks bubby - you helped feed a stranger late at night.
Its these moments that get me.  
theres something to giving that i cant possibly express.
can you?

Esh is wandering the superbloom
though i've always wanted to see it,
i'm okay that i'm not there.
its not my time yet
that's not the way i get there.
<3

tomorrow wake up and journal before anything
do yoga, core exercises, and stretch
wait till youre hungry before you eat

i love you very much, and don't forget to date yourself
get to know your self
your inner child
let it become comefortable with you
so it can speak its true dreams
and we can finally live them
together



2.20.19
0.28

tamara asked me a good question today:

What do you want Joshua?

i think im done answering that with i dont know.
sometimes its clear what i want
im just too embarrased to say it
i want life to flow like water from a river
freely
without judgement or confusion or pain
or fear or anger or blame
sure
the river may rage with force
or dry up and trickle
and that is its nature

i wonder what my nature is
i wonder if i will let myself find it

someone told me 
to listen to a shy person
take them to the place they are most comfortable
be patient
and when they are ready
they will speak

i cant recall the last time i talked to myself
and today i can barely get a word out
just a cute nod or shake of the head
from my shy little child
excitedly rolling in the grass
engrossed in the world of leaves and tiny beings
baby spiders hiding from lady bugs
as seven cloud spirit guardians
glide overhead

its the worst when the things i love the most
begin to feel shallow and hollow

time to turn back
and find my heart again.



2.16.19
10.58

oatmeal and blue and golden and mull berries
brekafast with keri and syd
some lying and rolling around for fun
pictures of moss growth
then off to jam!
accidentally discover ashish and josh's house
caitlin and i play guitar
MOB friends join in
back to joshs to hang
and revel
in the discomfort of my floating heart
so high on life and love that
im afraid to come down

josh and i walked to metate
found rob and helen and kyle (another EE getting away from it)
and magic staircases up charming dead end streets
and sunsets and treestumps
and hidden parks and giant fluffy dogs
and charming winding roads
and hipster hills and indigenous murals
and the golden ratio on some candy
and eventually
after tea and drawing and journaling and crosswording and postcarding

home

the fervor with with josh excitedly exclaims,
'oh you know where i wanna go on this map?!'
'oh you know where I wanna go?!'
brings laughter to my surface
like bubbles on the bottom of the soda bottle

today has been such a good day
i love life
and love
and my heart

three things for tomorrow:
- get outside and walk in the trees
- you are wonderful and deserve to be around people you love, let yourself be there
- you know your limits.  follow them, breathe. you will be GREAT.


2.14.19
4.51

jeez
what happened to me
i used to be master of my own universe
playing with building blocks that took millenia to create
whole civilizations rose and fell and left behind industry
these industrial processes which i learned with ravaging apetite
so i could learn how to stack my toys on top of one another
and make technological castles my ancestors couldn't have dreamed of
or most of my bretheren, for what its worth.
I juggled these balls with ease
weaving masterful tapestries
impressing my own masters
and their masters masters
who took me to their masters, to teach me their art.
The more i learned the deeper i went,
my skills broadening my reach, i integrated disparate fields
reaching into them with branched arms
rooting my neural tree
blending their boundaries into something cohesive - 
and yet.
My play no longer flowed
I couldn't know what i wanted to do
my stacks of blocks felt like they needed upkeep
more than playing with
and so i began to ask
who made these blocks?
where did they come from?
how did they get here?
Answering these questions led me to see something no one told me about.
When we are given wooden blocks to play with as a child - those blocks came from a tree.
That tree was cut down by a machine or a human.
That human processes the tree in a factory, cutting it into the correct shapes,
packaging it in cardboard made from paper perhaps from a similar tree,
then shipped to some warehouse made of steel beams and cinderblock,
its shipped to your favorite store,
where your parents can help give it to you in exchange for parts of their wage.
This is insanely complicated.
It is a twisted, vast, impactful story.  
It is a shadow.
This began to fascinate me.
More than the story of how things work,
the stories of how things came to be.
Before industry, these stories were simple.
They were accessible - one could /watch/ them happen over a matter of days or months in one place.
Mass manufacturing and globalization changed all that.
The stories began to mutate - growing to stretch across the entire globe,
involving alchemy of materials that traveled vast distances to meet one another,
subassemblies touched by tens or hundreds or thousands of humans not even in the same place,
transported and metamorphosed by energy in so many forms, from so many sources,
it seems impossible to keep track of it all.
'How did this come to be?' used to be a question with an answer.
No longer.
And this has troubled me for years.
That this answer is so complex and vast that the shadows involved are masked by the sheer amount of product.
No one has time to ask this question because they need that toilet paper, or that bottled water, or that cell phone.
And thats okay.
It is the natural order of things;

I have more to say, but I am going to go dance my pants off in the rain now.
Come dance if you like.


2.11.19
11.29

What a long day.
6am mornings in ransoms cabin
writing down dirty dreams
waiting to wake the others
as the sun burns white covered trees amber
washing dishes
feeling like the maid

leaving an hour too late
arriving long past first tracks
no squallywood today
but stoked nonetheless
nose dripping
mustache freezing
kt-22 all the way
hucking carcass

start small
pole whack the cornice
lean back
and fall
fast
faster
gliding over
powder chop pillows
out of control
in flow

find fear
get right up next to it
that smallest finger
only 12 feet tall
yell
'im going to rip the shit outta this'
lean into the fear
over the edge
float
dont forget - stick it
and
savor bliss in growth

but 12 isnt big enough
15
18
fall as far as possible today
the ground is made of 
baby cloud feathers
and they will catch you

straightline
the whole way down
moguls cant stop
this line
float over
find the lip
and take all the time in the world
to come down

this time
i dont want to go
not yet
im still thinking
but
im already moving
speed catching up
just about to reach the packed tracks
when i realize
im not ready
discontinuities find eachother
and i find myself cartwheeling
onto my back
whiplashed
with a face full of fresh

take II
this time i make it into the air
before realizing
im not ready
and in finding myself
forget to land 

the moral of the story is
dont move until youre ready

speaking of which

high on headwall
wind whipping white whisps over
cold biting face
eyeng sharp edge
she grabs my gaze
standing
black
goggles under shining helmet
braids slipping out from under
flash frozen lips on tan
staring at each others
eyeless heads
i shrug
and throw myself over
how fast can i fall
and can she keep up

traffic was non exisitent on 80
dinner at jos house was incredible
periwinkle was a joy to pet
it was nice to meet michael

we forgot to lock the ski rack on the way home
a couple miles down the highway a woman told us to roll down our window
told us 'one of our skis had fallen out'
jo calls to tell us bowen had forgotten his phone
we turn around to take a quick survey of the last 3/4 mi
quickly we spot julies skis
they had separated - one on the shoulder one on the median
i got out to grab them
lit by smartphone, i ran across the lanes to grab her right ski
i wasn't afraid at all
crossing highway 20 was like crossing robbins lane
except people were going 70mph
and i was 28
we couldnt find my snowboard
traced it all the way back to jo's house
and back to where we found julies skis
so i gave in
and wondered how awful everything was
and why i was being punished
and all the things the universe was trying to tell me
i called CHP and told them there was a snowboard on the loose
10 minutes went by
considered leaving snowboarding and going back to skiing
or leaving snowsports for good
and then i considered that i should stop interpresting all these negative events
as the universe trying to tell me something
and CHP called back
said they found it
I could come anytime 8-5 m-f

the rest of the ride home was tiring
but im in bed now
sick
tired
exhausted
but feeling a lot like myself
goodnight you

3 things for morning:
- take care of yourself tomorrow.  you only get one body, you know it need something
- try spending a day keeping yourself centered.  it feels good. you deserve it.
= i love you.  even though you throw me off cliffs.  i love you


2.7.19
1.08

damn
the last week has been
a lot
changes
loss
love
exhaustion
confusion
what am i doing here again
right down to 
what am i actually here for
at my core
and what even
or who even
is that

the ringing in my ears
reminds me
of airplanes
and cicada
on hot summer nights
growing filaments
on chitin
a smug shag rug
fun gus

it doesnt matter
what you were trying to find
an answer to

what matters
is what you wrote
instead

thanks hrothgar
sorry i missed the show syd


1.27.19
11.50

just got back from snowboarding this weekend.
there were so many times where i wished i wasnt where i was
id like to remember
	that where i am is
	how i can be
	me
	
	i can choose to move
	and dance and turn around
	and go any which way
	but im always where i am

	its okay to make mistakes
	and do things i dont like
	to try them
	or learn lessons
	or get places

	its okay to do things for myself
	or for others
	but theres no pressure

i threw down two 360s today
it felt pretty good.

also seriously i want to stop eating in n out
everyone seems to like it
but it doesnt sit well with me.



1.22.19
11.30
Whew. I'm tired.
But I wanted to write about.
What I saw today.

From above - from contexts that I couldn't have understood back then, but wish I went with them instead of exiting them.

I have been given so many gifts in my life.  In this last year alone - I have been given opportunities to heal my self, to bond with others, to find peace and happiness and growth.  Maybe i'll talk a bit more concretely.

At burning man in 2017 I met a person named core.  And yes this story can be told as boy meets girl, or two coders are attracted to the glowing light of a laptop screen in the middle of a desert, but at the time - in those moments - i recall the strongest feeling of something deeper.  I recall the impossibility of our connection.  That moment after moment our stories stacked - entwined and interleaved in a dance that could only be called magic, but is often brushed off as happenstance or coincidence.  Relentless serendipity and two hearts intentionally venturing into a dust storm swept me off my feet.  
And then I wasn't there.  
I saw her.  
Sitting as our sun rose.  
On ghost wood glowing.  
So I whispered in her ear.
The only thing I could.
I Love You.

My heart was larger than my whole.
It reached across the circle of horizons.
And I shone all of its light
for a moment
on Core.

But therein lies my naievete.  I didn't know.  That who was before me /was/ me.  I couldn't see that everything I thought I knew about her was just the surface.  And everything keeping me from diving in deeper - to meet my whole self - was just an illusion.  

There are parts of me that still hate myself for leaving her.  For losing her.
That wish I could have seen what I had found instead of learning what I had found the hard way.  But that is the past.  I am here now.  And wiser for it.

There are parts of me that wish I didn't have to learn everything the hard way.
But that is what I am.  I test all of the rules.  Because if no one tests them, we won't know if they are good rules.
To be loving is a good rule.
To treat everyone with respect is a good rule.
To take everything as a gift is a good rule.  Even the bad, and the ugly, and the painful.

I'll say it bluntly here, but - it is the heart that matters.  It's not the face, or the dance, or the sternum, or the hips, or the teeth, or the head, it's the heart that matters.  Because in heart we are one.  Because in love, two can become one.  And I missed that.  I had thought that the point was to not do that - to keep the distance to prevent the drama and danger present in becoming one - that my past relationships had taught me to keep seperate.  To see whether time would continue to weave us together.  And it did!  But I resisted still, and though I had the opportunity to safely and knowingly become one - I passed it.

My head was too scattered.  I had heart in too many places.  Spread across the globe.  It still is, somehow.  But I am cutting those threads.  I don't need to tie my heart to others to keep them alive in me.  I can be here, love me, and know that everything I do to love myself /is/ loving them.  At least this is the story I tell myself.  Core was trying to show me this.  To teach me to love myself.  That everything was okay.  That things are safe and I don't have to do anything or run from anyone or rebel against anyone or remove myself from this life in an effort to purge life of /me/.  Because I am okay.  I am loving and kind and lovely and beautiful and /worth/ the space and time and resources that keep me here.  But I couldn't let go.  So she did for me.  And everything began to unwravel.

I still feel like an unwinding ball of string, or a sweater pulled at a thread.  Slowly becoming something I wasn't.  Shedding skin.  Holding Heart.  Its going to be all right.

I hope I am the universe.  Because if there is any truth at all there is light, and warmth, and energy, and love.


1.20.19
11.12
Today felt 60 hours long
Early morning slow gentle yoga
Ecstatic dance with the family - such a different feel
	i have such a deep connection with all of them
	mother, father, sister
	lynn, steve, julie
	its like
	ive known them my entire life
	like they have been there though everything
	and when i see them i know so certainly who they are
	even though
	in reality
	i dont - - -
	that is to say
	i really dont know my family so well
	as the back of my hand
	or a brand new schematic
	i cant put them im boxes
	though i may have thought i could
	and when i relax those boundaries
	they surprise me
	boundless magical leaps 
	that mesmerize
	and tickle
	my warming heart
Reconnecting with mother
	and father
	and sister
Relating deeply
	dancing vulnerably
	finding each other where we are at
	holding
	healing
Dancing with my favorites
and crashing bailey's birthday
and cuddling
and nourishing
and meeting Naya
and expressing my need to authentically relate to my parents

im tired.
in short
it was a good one

1.5.19
11.49
i am lost
	wondering if i should even post this
	feeling like curling up in a ball
	and avoiding everything
i miss having a room
	with a window
	that looks out onto a cherry blossom
	where birds would sing to wake me up
	with the morning sun
warmth in the morning
	just enough to get to the bathroom
	and shower
	without guilt
	for how ever long it took to warm my body
	and cleanse myself
	in the hot spray
silence and simplicity
	being there then
	not worrying about
	what next
	who to be
	where to go
	how to live
and being surrounded by family
	who stuck with me
	because they wanted to
	and didnt have their own agendas (okay maybe a little)
	who i now know i can trust
	and only want me to be happy
its so hard to be okay sometimes
	getting caught in the storms
	i forget what it feels like to be 
	lounging on a sunny day
	light pouring its kind touch over me
	wind drifting free
	let go

i dug into my index finger today
	with knives and pokers and tweezers
	trying to get it out
	but the more i dug
	the more it oozed
	and i got confused
	is this my finger?
	or just pus?
	or gelatinous tissue?
	where is my trust?
	in my vision
	or knowledge of bodies?
	i let it go
	its still inside of me
	hopefully it doesnt get worse

i dont know where to go
	who to turn to
	who to love
	but myself
	but i cant
	or its hard
	or i keep messing up
	because i wont let myself
	by hiding everything from myself
	and bringing distractions
	like pain
	and cold
	and rain
	and vans
	and hikes
	and faces
	and hearts
	and food
	and drink
	and drugs
	and experience
	and wonder
	when all i need to do
	is take the time
	to love myself

ecstatic is tomorrow
	i hope that helps

12.26.18
11.53
its laaate
	i ate too much today
	mostly just that pastry and cookie
	but im burping the tasty burrito from metate
	oops
	also watched a lot of steven universe
	oops
	its okay
	i think im starting to feel like im in my own skin again
saw paula and ike today
	kinda strange how i feel different around different people
	but its nice to feel supported
	paula says
	'you are living your best hobo life'
	and i appreciate that
	we took care of the kraut today
		its in the fridge now
got to watch some of the sunset
	and go rock climbing
	and do yoga
	oh i should meditate before bed
i think im sleeping in the city tonight
itd be cool to make a map of everywhere the van goes
there are too many options for the new year
i kind of just want to spend it alone in nature
some people want to trip acid and throw a big party
i just want to be with the earth
i miss that thing.

12.7.18
10.52
Slept all day
	havent done that in a while
	in a long long while
	but didnt get down on myself about it
	just let it happen
	i needed rest
	life is kind of complicated right now
	heart flowering and dying
	homes forming and disappearing
	its cold outside
	nothing is certain
	everything in flux
	roadblocks and seductions
	rabbitholes and distractions
	its good to stay in one place
	with myself
	for a while
	get to define productive
	get to indulge in rest
	get to watch new cartoons
	and listen to new music
	and talk to old friends
Apparently im an artist and a luminary
	says some internet job personality test
	maybe its time to put together some poetry
	or get out on the street and
	make music
	whether or not anyone resonates with it
	or with me
	doesnt matter
	just do it
But what if i just am what i am
	what if i already bloomed
	or hatched or have grown
	destined to assemble things for people
	using my hands
	not my heart
	not my mind
	no purpose
	drone work
	maybe thats me
	idolizing creativity
	art
	emotion
	love
Eh so what
	might as well try

12.6.18
12.41
Volunteered at 268 valencia this morning
	helped two high school students write a podcast
	about a topic related to their health class
	cool to watch them be inspired to write
	dre had words flowing from his fingers
	azun found talking through his sentences to be helpful
	what a humbling feeling
	being asked for help
	for ideas
	for words
	im excited to hear both of their podcasts
Therapy was good today
	working on asking for what i want
	on reaching out
	instead of waiting with arms open
I have a crush
	its probably going to crush me
Steven universe at night
DMV tomorrow hopefully
staying up really late tonight
	holding onto something
	scared about the fall maybe
	or the emptiness
	i dont know what im doing
	i dont know where i am going
	and thats the point
	because i dont know who i am
	and to figure that out
	i need time
	and space
	and to learn how to support me
	no matter what
	or where or when
	so even though i ate a bunch of ice cream
	and a piece of pizza
	and those leftover tortilla chips
	and watched hours of steven universe
	and didnt ask my crush out on a date
	and didnt make progress on the van
	im still here
	and im still supporting me
	because i did volunteer today
	and i did go to therapy
	and i did climb 3 v5 routes
	and i did find a home for my mushrooms
	and i will brush my teeth
	and get some sleep
	maybe.
life can be hard
	i hope its worth it


12.4.18
11.42
I AM TIRES
The highlight of my day was climbing with Kate at the climbing gym on the presidio
	We found some cool routes that pushed us
	Flashed 5.11c/d
	And climbed a gushy love story
	The route reminded me of rose quartz
	Grand smooth ledges jutting out at any angle
	Wished i were smaller so i could climb around on the real stuff

Moved most of my stuff from the van to the container
	Now i can do work on the van
	Tim says put a boat on top instead of a poptop
	Well see

Oh, sister lets go down
Lets go down
Come on down.
Oh, sister lets go down
Down in the river to pray.


11.28.18
12.53
i had some lovely dreams last night
in one of them merry asked me to go rock climbing with them.
	we climbed and climbed in this gym made by mit alums.
	the routes incorporated urban architecture, blending parkour with climbing
	murals were painted everywhere
	just as i got tired the gym started to close
	everyone rushed to the front room to get dessert
	but i didn't want any
	i sat at a table painted in vibrant squiggles as the lights dimmed
	merry sat down next to me with a huge smile on their face
	and a huge brownie cake thing on a plate
	licking their lips they gave me a squeeeeezing hug
	and the lights went out to reveal amazing glowing undulating patterns
	laser light projected rivers of wiggles on the ceiling
	neon oranges and greens faded in and out
	when i realized my mouth was open i looked at merry and they smiled again
	to my left a tall man in a tank top approached
	the lights began to lift from the darkness again
	and this man put his hand across the table on merrys shoulder
	the man took merrys smile, and merrys face took on disgust
	'hey baby, you wanna come with me?'
	i removed his hand from merrys shoulder
	'leave right now'
	'they don't know you and you are making them uncomfortable'
	'you might ask someone if you can touch them before you do'
	he relaxed and merry took me closer to the wall
	eyes locked and pressed close together
	i noticed a shadow forming on the wall
	two hands parked against it
	and there he was again, hitting on merry
	so i pushed back
	with force
	and knocked him over.
	i saw how big he was
	and the fear that flashed over me was washed out with confidence
	i have moved bigger people before
	through contact
	i know how to work with balance
	and how to destroy it
	so i moved him off balance and he fell
	merry and i left the gym
	and looking over my shoulder i saw him, in tears
	'but i fell earlier and i need someone'
	'that does not entitle you to take what you want'
	and i woke.
in another farah and i were spending some time together
look at me and my gentle heart pining for connection
its okay
it will come

11.27.18
24.14
and back to burning the midnight oil.
finally felt some peace at work today.
	cam brought me into a meeting and asked me to help fix some network problem remotely
	when i realized there wasn't much i could do because i do not have the depth
	of knowledge required i broke my normal pattern
	instead of endlessly digging to try and solve to problem
	i relaxed
	and said to myself
	'i am enough'
	cam called in another person named josh
	and josh also didnt know how to solve the problem
	and that was okay too.
	i dont always need to know how to solve everyones problems
	there are so many more nuggets of truth for me to learn at kittyhawk
	none of them are related to technology
	all of them are related to how i treat myself and others in a work environment
	but alas
	my days here are coming to an end.
work ended early today because someone at the shipping facility next door found
	a package covered in white powder.
	everyones so afraid of white powder.
	i just stayed here and started writing a program that
	displays every possible black and white image in a 10x10 square
	turns out there are 2^100 = 1267650600228229401496703205376 images.
	generating 1000 of these images a second, that would take ~40 billion billion years
	the idea here is that every time someone looks at a screen
	they are seeing just one of all the possible images they could see on that screen
	so what if we could know more of what that space of possible images looks like
	(probably mostly static-y and abstract)
	but that may give more meaning to the images that seem to make sense
	or 'align' to become representations of you and your friends and their cats
	i could generate perfect images of places ive never been to
	people ive never met
	scenes that appear hyper realistic but never happened
	and without any learning or logic - just iteration
	so there my little program runs.
	slowly generating 10x10 images until the death of the universe.
	i think i saw a smiley face in one of them.
some major work on the van today
	figured out how to get the turn signals and hazards working
	but didn't figure out what the actual problem is
	accidentally blew a fuse that i should replace
	but for now everythings good just alligator clipped
	oh yeah - the problem was the brake switch
	i jerry rigged a new one but im going to have to fix the stock one
	also put in a new wiring harness in the back and i like it a lot.
	the guy from loma linda got back to me and asked for some more questions
	so at least theres some motion on that end.
sent jennie a recording of sittin on the dock of the bay
let me know if you want to hear it sometime.
zzz..

11.26.18
18.55
writing earlier today.
i chose not to go see free solo today and work on my van instead
while i was trying to fix the tailights on my van gray came over.
	he offered me a drag and i refused, but smelled it.
	we talked of ideas and how they grow
	fed by thought and imgaination and time
	he mentioned needing to send a text to his ex
	about how he still thinks she is a beautiful human
	even though he has found something new
	and better
	by giving more than he ever has - and getting in return
	as i hung all my weight from my arms
	on the L shaped branches of a tree near by
	the floodlight started to give me a headache
	so we went on a walk
	how stingy am i
	trying to fix a broken bulb on my van
	resourceful
	why am i stingy
	is it because i was raised that way?
	put in an environment where very little could be spent on me
	or luxury
	not that we didn't have any
	gray says i could use practice in being less stingy
	being more giving and luxurious
	he mentions all the food and rides and weed hes offered to me
	and how little ive offered back
	and i take his comment in stride, with a litte resistance at first
	its funny feeling judged.
	talking of core and bringing up how we feel we need to be loved
	he suggests maybe i feel the need to be loved by many people
	and core only one
	and i realize
	huh
	that feeling has been with me since i was little
	desiring popularity and being on everyones good side
	what was i afraid of
	was it that i had a fatal flaw
	that no one could ever really like me if they knew my flaw
	and was that flaw...
	... that i was jewish?
	that the general population was always going to be at odds with me
	because it seemed that my grandparents and religious community 
	always felt that way about the world?
	that because we used derrogatory language about the rest of the world
	the rest of the world used derrogatory language about us?
	... or was it that i was who i am?
	there is some more work to do in there for sure.
i called loma linda university today to try and get the van paperwork moving
	well see how it goes
i really like this song
finally replaced the tire and tube on my bike
still need to replace the shifter hoods
and bottom bracket.
but go me!
van lighting situation continues to elude me.
the manual is not very descriptive when it comes to the lighting system

11.25.18
22.22

Staying up later than i should, maybe.
i woke early to take the train to ecstatic dance
	sam cohen and rebecca michaelson were there
	and so was david dohan and taylor victoria and all the regulars
	i danced with a lot of people today
	but somehow was tired for so much of it
	taking space to calm down and breathe is helpful
	slowing down to ones own pace
	i danced with people i was scared to ask to dance
	beautiful tall people
	shy new people
after dance taylor and i went to the park to meet cory
	it was nice
	spending time running my hands through the grass
	as some guy in a thong turned himself roticerie while reading a magazine
	so i could walk and talk to the trees
	with the language of my hands and feet and hips and knees
	and meet these beautiful people eye to eye
	voice to ears
	cory complimented me on my demeanor
	'you seem like you are tripping, but im guessing you arent'
	naturally wonderous and tactile
	cuddly and cozy
	wrigling like a baby on mommas shag rug
	they fed me a vegan hippie sandwich
	and fried wasabi lotus root
	i fed them an apple
	and hugs
on the train ride home i had nothing
	nothing to do
	nothing to read
	nothing to play with
	so i watched
	i felt the space of the subway car
	noticed the lights passing by
	dancing
	how
	why
	no matter
	ideas came to the surface
	a new art piece
	screens endlessly generating everything they could ever
	so that we can stop looking at them
	once we can hold everything possible to see
	maybe we will turn our focus away
	because it wont be unknown or new anymore
	well have made it before
i just want to look people in the eyes
hold them at their gaze
and give them smiles
and love and
grace
or feel their sorrow
hurt and loss
lonliness trouble tantrum in toss
and sit there with them
in the eye of their storm
heart in heart
palm in palm

this week is going to be hard.  i better go to sleep soon.
maybe i'll just record one song.

11.24.18
23.13

i'm tired.
Today i did some good things:
	woke up on time, to the sound of my own voice on the laptop alarmclock.
	went paragliding on the coast at pacifica with dan fourie and laura shumaker.
		got a lot of lift and felt very small
		flew with a hawk
		reattached my speed bar lines in flight
		got stuck in the air from too much lift
		used the speed bar
		used big ears to get down
		didn't die
		cleaned and refolded the glider
		found purple sweater
	did laundry
	talked to mike
	watched a lot of steven universe
	worked on the van
	confirmed my taillight bulbs and the flasher are operational
	tidied up the back of the van
	learned about the brake light switch and found a small fuse that needs 
		to be replaced
	calculated minimum wire gauge to be 22awg
	noted that when the turn signals are engaged voltage from flasher to ground
		drops to nothing.
	saw how my mushrooms were doing - mycelium is growing very nicely.

i definitely was worried about dying while flying today.
my legs were shaking so hard up there.  its scary
but also beautiful
i still feel like i'm floating
getting lift
and sinking fast    falling from the sky

some stuff i want to keep note of to do:
	replace the tire, tube, and shifter covers on my bike
	look into replacing bottom bracket bearings
	somehow test brakelight switch
	need some kind of watch or clock in the van
	get new tires for van
	 go to dmv 
	 get a new phone 

im realizing that there's more i want to do at kittyhawk.
but it's all kinda random stuff like making art out of the
broken bits and pieces.  maybe that's not exactly something
they would be exciting about having me here for.